Babbling and Stuttering
by Graq the Wild Child 2
Summary: A look inside Willow's head through out Season Four. Now complete!
1. Fears

Author's Notes: I've read several great stories about what went on behind the scenes for Willow and Tara in Season Four, but I figured I'd try my own. It's good practice getting into Willow's head for the longer stories I plan to write. I hope you enjoy.

"Oh, I'm not – I don't have much in the way of power, really, I mean most of my potions come out… soup. Besides, spells going awry, friends in danger – I'm definitely nothing special."

"No, you are."

"Well, I thought we made a pretty good team – not getting killed and all… with the soda machine, boom! Pretty cool. Seems like you're kinda powerful."

"I'd like to be. I feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm at the door and it won't open."

"I know exactly what you mean."

And they did get unstuck. Over the next few weeks they met and practiced magicks neither of them had done on their own, feeling their abilities grow and shift. That and feeling each other's power… At first that was all Willow had wanted to put her new feelings down to. She had finally found another person to share this part of her life with, one who wasn't trapped as a rodent, and the sensation of casting together was exciting and fresh. Just a novel experience with a friend.

Friend. Of course, if she just thought of Tara as a friend, it didn't make much sense for her to keep lying to Buffy about things like floating a rose or wanting to invite Tara to the Bronze. Those were perfectly normal friend things to do. Was she embarrassed to be hanging out with someone gay? Willow wasn't sure how her friends felt about that sort of thing. She had always been fine with it as far she knew, at least in an abstract sense, and more concretely after Larry came out. Tara had only told her about her orientation after Willow spent far too long talking about her break-up with Oz. Tara was so sweet, she'd sensed right away the pain in Willow's voice as she mentioned Buffy's newly blossoming relationship with Riley. The shy blonde's insistence that she'd listen to anything the younger Wiccan wanted to say unleashed the babble floodgates and she must have gone on about the werewolf for at least an hour before realizing to her mortification what she was doing. She'd tried to make up for it by asking Tara if she was seeing anyone and gotten an answer that just made things more awkward. Awkward for about a few seconds before Willow insisted Tara must have plenty of girls after her, causing the blonde to laugh. She loved the sound of Tara's laughter, the look of her smile, her modesty, her warmth…

By the time she went to Tara's room after being ditched by Buffy she knew it was more than friendly feelings that kept her coming back. Somehow she had a crush on a girl. What was most surprising was how unsurprising it was. Liking Tara felt natural, right. She knew that the other girl felt something too, and by the end of the night she was comfortable enough with the idea to take the dolls-eye crystal she had rejected earlier.

Being the spaz she loathed, Willow started to panic over the next few days. Her first fear was that Tara was feeling taken advantage of. Sure they had met due to a mutual interest in spells, but she didn't want that to be all there was between them. Her nervousness poured out when she went to ask for help with the demon locator spell. Again, Tara was all giving and understanding. Sometimes it made Willow hate herself for a moment, knowing that she wasn't as benevolent a witch or even as good a person as Tara. No one would ever be turning that girl into a demon.

Willow's second fear was that her crush was returned, but not in any serious way. Tara might think she was cool and fun to hang out with, but not as a real romantic prospect. That fear was destroyed by one word.

"Yours."

That word changed everything. She didn't want to wait any longer to bring Tara to her circle of friends. Tara gave so much and asked for nothing but her company in return. She deserved all the affection in the world, and if Xander and Buffy met her she was sure they'd see that too.

Her third fear was killed the next night. As much as she cared for Tara, Willow had never actually been… physical… with a woman. She didn't know if feelings were enough. They could start smooching only to find that it didn't do anything for her. It wouldn't be fair to put Tara through that. Then they cast the spell to find Buffy and she could feel it. It was more intimate than any experience she'd ever had, even with only their hands touching. The sensations, the intensity, they were all undeniably Tara. At the final moment before her spirit left her body all she could feel was that gorgeous, loving girl, holding her soul to their plane.

After that it felt like they were together, even though they were too shy to do anything but hold hands and share sweet looks. Willow wanted more, and she'd been hoping to put that desire into words after the party at Lowell house. The night was going perfectly, so of course it all went to Hell.

"You should ride with me sometime. I guarantee safety and fun."

"Well," Willow said coyly as she reached over to caress Tara's knee. "If you promise you'll look after me…"

Tara pulled back as if from a snake bite.

"Don't touch me." She stood and backed further away. "That's d-disgusting."

It was devastating. Later it turned out to be the house's corrupt energy that had caused Tara's flinching, but it still stung. Tara obviously felt guilty and kept touching Willow's hands and shoulders at every opportunity. The redhead knew she shouldn't feel hurt, but somehow the attempt at reassurance just made it worse.

The day after the wild party Buffy amazingly still opted to go spend the night at Lowell house. Willow had given the rest of the Scoobies a heads up and they were all on standby in case the dorm started freaking out from the Slayer and Marine's sexcapades again. When she heard the knock on her door she was fully geared up to go rescue her best friend from another bout of reckless passion. She wasn't ready for a distraught Wicca.

"Tara. Hey." Willow stepped back from the door to motion her in. The blonde entered with her arms wrapped protectively around herself, a sign of stress the younger girl hated to see. "Buffy's out with Riley. Hopefully not summoning any more bad mojo, you know, but I think it went away."

Tara finally uncrossed her arms and let them fall to her sides, still twitching a bit anxiously. "Yeah, about last night…"

Willow didn't want to hear it. Having Tara apologize for something that wasn't her fault would just make her feel like an even bigger jerk for being hurt in the first place. "It's okay. You don't need to…"

The older girl was too wound up to stop. "But I want you to know that I didn't mean to p-pull away and say those things…"

"I get it. It was the magicks. None of that was your fault."

Tara gestured somewhat wildly with her hands. "I know. I j-just… I like it when you t-touch me, and…"

She never finished her sentence as Willow's mouth covered hers. Everything else melted away. They didn't need words. Having found each other's souls in silence, they never had.

All of Willow's fears had been overcome except one. _How am I going to tell Buffy?_


	2. Oz

Author's Notes: This chapter is going to have a bit of a different style than the last. I feel a bit bad about using so much dialogue directly from the show, but it was beautifully written to begin with. Chapter Three, "Witch Stuff" should be ready on the 23rd.

Several weeks earlier, the night Buffy joined the Initiative…

Willow watched the tinkerbell lights she and Tara had been fine tuning for the past two hours dance above them in the fairy lit room. The rose missile aside, every bit of magick she did with her new friend seemed to turn out so much better than it would have even a few weeks before she met her.

"It's so cool to have someone to cast spells with."

Tara furrowed her brow. "You've never cast with anyone else?"

"Well, a few times in high school. Amy and I tried some stuff but she was way more experienced than I was. I still don't know how she did the whole presto-chango-rat thing." Tara gave her a sympathetic look. She had tried a few spells of her own to help Amy after Willow introduced her to the girl-turned-rodent, but had had no more luck restoring her. The redhead took her companion's sweetness as an opportunity to shift the subject to Tara. She always felt like she dominated their conversations with her long-winded ways, and Tara seemed content to listen quietly unless prompted with questions. "What about you? I mean, you've been practicing for so long."

She was surprised to see the blonde shake her head and blush a little. "N-not anything like this. Just, you know little things with my mom like meditation and potions. Moving that soda machine, that was, kind of my first time."

All that power, and it had been her first? She would never forget the instant she felt their connection, the focus and strength Tara's magick guided her own with. "Really? Wow, 'cause it really felt like you knew what you were doing. You're so good with your spells; I guess I thought… you'd maybe done this with someone else in the Wicca group?"

"I told you were different than them. They didn't even talk about spells. That's w-why I…" Tara looked to the floor, letting her thought trail off.

"Left?" Willow offered. "Can't say I'm not happy you did. It's kind of special, casting spells, just the two of us."

The blonde kept her head bowed, but met Willow's eyes with a broad smile. "I… think spells is starting to not sound like a word anymore." Willow admitted. She grinned a bit mischievously. "Or at least, not meaning what it usually means."

Tara giggled back in her silent way at the playfulness. "Well, w-what should it mean when we say it then?"

Willow thought over some possible second meanings, but was too embarrassed to share any of them outright. "Um…"

…

They never did work out an exact meaning, but life was good. Since their first kiss they'd spent even more time together, doing spells and 'spells'. It was all very new, and so unlike anything Willow had done before. Plus now that Tara was hanging out with the group they could meet up at either of their rooms. Doing homework was a lot easier when she didn't have to wait alone for Buffy to come back from patrol with Riley. Not that Buffy ended up at Stevenson most nights anyway. They had almost finished up their assignments for the night, Willow lying next to Tara on her bed with her laptop and Tara with her notebook.

"I'm glad Anya and Xander made up."

Willow snorted at that. Buffy and Riley? She could root for them and forgive Buffy's clinginess to him after all she went through with Angel. Xander and Anya? They made no sense to her. She was willing to keep her mouth shut though, knowing it was kind of, sort of, well really totally her fault he had lost Cordelia.

"Well they'll find something else to fight about. Anya's more high maintenance than the L.A. freeway."

Tara shrugged. "I think they're kind of sweet together. They really seem to care about each other. Just, I guess they don't really trust that the other one cares as much as they do." The blonde paused a moment, swallowing a bit. "B-Buffy and Riley went through that too. It's hard, you know, not knowing what the other person really feels."

Willow stopped typing. "But they're all good now. I mean, we're good, aren't we?" She asked taking Tara's hand. She was answered with a kiss on the cheek.

"We're great Willow." It was fairly convincing, but there was still doubt in Willow's mind.

"Is this because, we haven't… told anyone yet? I mean, if you want I can…" The older witch shook her head.

"N-no. Coming out is a big deal. I don't want to you push into anything you're not ready for."

The hacker shut her computer and set it on the floor so she could turn and face Tara with her whole body. She needed to be honest and clear. "I don't feel pushed. I want to tell them, but… it's scary. Like I don't know what I'd say, or what they'd think, or if they'd just say one thing and be all freaking out inside and acting like everything's cool when really they think I'm some kind of, deviant…" Tara shushed her and stroked her cheek until she calmed down.

"You guys are so close, I don't think they're going to think anything that mean about you. I can't promise it'll all go smoothly, but when you're ready to talk to them, you should." Willow couldn't help but sigh. Tara could say the most perfect things sometimes.

"What about you? Are you comfortable with Xander and Buffy and everyone knowing about us?"

"It's fine with me. I've been out since I came to Sunnydale. I, didn't really have much reason to tell anyone, but I went to a few meetings of the Lesbian Alliance freshman year. You can tell anyone you want." She smiled a bit shyly. "I think Anya might already know. And Riley's an 'ally', you know, the straight part of the Gay-Straight-Alliance member type ally." That was a bit surprising. Tara knew something about a friend of hers she didn't. Of course, both the soldier and the witch had been at UC Sunnydale for longer than her, and he was a fairly well known TA. It was solipsistic to assume the two students hadn't been aware of each other's existence before Willow and Buffy came into their lives. That Anya might suspect their relationship was a bit worrisome.

"Anya knows? She would have said something. I don't think she's ever had a thought she didn't immediately blurt out."

"Anya is… very straight forward." Tara fiddled with her hands for a moment. "So, she's an ex-vengeance demon. I get the vengeance-demon, punishing men who wronged women thing. But how did she become ex?" Apparently she was trying to change the subject from the coming out. Willow couldn't blame her.

"Giles broke her source of power. Ever since then she's been an irregular, regular gal like the rest of us humans." Tara looked unusually serious as she nodded.

"Did he have to do a special ritual to destroy it?"

"Nope, just smashed it. It was this tacky, green, medallion thing she wore. She got me to do a spell with her to find it. Didn't work, thank goddess."

Her girlfriend quirked an eyebrow and leaned over.

"You did a spell with Anya? And here I thought you didn't like her."

"Wha-? Ew, no!" Willow protested, flustered by the teasing and Tara's hand running up and down her thigh. "It was creepy, and dark, a-and we didn't even finish!" She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard the door latch turn. There was also a bit of regret as Tara withdrew and looked intently at her notebook before Buffy opened the door.

"Hey guys."

"Hey."

"Hi." Buffy returned Tara's shy wave.

"You home for the night, or just passing through?" Willow hoped she didn't sound upset. Sometimes it felt like she and the Slayer weren't even roommates with Buffy out so much, but she knew her own late night activities kept her out of their room almost as often.

"Home. Patrol was dead, the stay-in-the-coffin kind. Riley's debriefing the other commandos." She let her weapon bag fall beside her bed as she sat down, looking much less worn than she normally would. "Giles wants to check base tomorrow."

"So, Scooby meeting? What time?"

Buffy shrugged, taking off her earrings. "Nine. You don't have any Sunday classes, do you Tara?"

The girl in question looked up a bit startled. "No, I-I don't have any classes. Why?"

"Well I figured you could help with any magicky stuff that comes up. If you want. Giles told me you know a lot of things even he doesn't."

Tara blushed as Willow beamed excitedly. Buffy was inviting Tara into the group. Maybe everything could be all right for them.

"You totally have to come! I can explain things and Giles will have tea and maybe some weird British tea snacks. Please?"

"Okay." She seemed embarrassed at the attention, but pleased.

"Great. I'll pick up Riley in the morning and Willow can pick up you."

"Right." The blonde witch gathered up her books and made her way to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night."

Willow pouted a little as she and Buffy returned Tara's farewell. She liked to let go of Tara's hand before they separated for the night. She looked at Buffy as the Slayer went to get her toothbrush.

"Thanks for inviting Tara."

"No big. It seems like she doesn't… get out much, you know?" Willow bristled, slightly offended. Tara was kind of private, but it didn't make her some shut-in who needed pity. "She kind of reminds me of you when we first met." Okay, now she was more than slightly offended.

"What do you mean by that?"

Buffy held up her hands in a gesture of contrition.

"Nothing bad. I mean that she seems really sweet and smart, but also really shy. I'm guessing she gets nervous talking to guys and going out on dates?"

_Presume much?_Willow's anger was quelled by a notion that last sentence had given her. This could be the lead in she needed, if she was careful. And Tara had said she was fine with her telling about it.

"Tara doesn't really go for the stubbly crowd." Her friend looked confused, then after a minute her eyes widened in realization.

"Oh." She paused, tapping her toothbrush against her free hand. "Oh, well, that's cool." Buffy nodded her head, not looking at Willow. "Lifestyle-wise." Willow waited expectantly. _Make that last connection, you've seen us holding hands… come on… don't make me say it._But the Slayer was out the door without another word. So much for that plan. Buffy's reaction hadn't been ideal, and whatever courage had let her out Tara had abandoned her. Maybe she could just keep bringing Tara along to meetings and the Bronze until the gang caught on, or she got brave enough to tell them.

…

Things got instantly better when she fetched Tara in the morning. A new cat would be so fun to play with; she'd always wished her parents would let her keep something more than fish. It turned out the witches weren't strictly needed at the meeting, but Tara seemed to find her over-helpful explanations adorable. She was so content it took her a second to realize Giles had stopped in the middle of his berating Anya. The door had opened to reveal someone she had given up all hope of ever seeing again.

"Hey."

No one spoke. He had arrived unannounced and unexpected. She felt an urge to say something, but for the life of her she couldn't think of what.

"Oz."

"Oz." She barely noticed Tara repeat his name in a low voice. Willow couldn't take her eyes off him. It was almost surreal for him to be standing there, like nothing had happened and he was just late for a meeting about stopping the latest big bad.

"W-when did you get back?" A safe question. She had to start somewhere. She knew there were a million more coming and she wasn't ready for the answers.

"Pretty much now."

The boy hadn't lost his gift for brevity. Xander was the first to approach him.

"Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but, you don't call. You don't write."

The boys shook hands.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"So are you here here, or are you just passing through?" Buffy asked with a tinge of accusation. Willow was grateful Buffy had asked the obvious instead of her. She knew her friend had been on her side during the awful break-up, her eventual lack of patience with Willow's self-pity not-withstanding.

"Well, um, let's not bombard the poor chap with questions right off. Can I get you something?" Giles took off his glasses, clearly reaching for a way to keep the tension in the room from exploding. "Tea perhaps?"

"I'll pass. Thanks." Oz said simply. He walked over to her. "Look… I'm going to Devon's to see if he's got a place I can crash, but I was hoping that we could talk. Later. Tonight."

His voice was so gentle, and his eyes were so soft. She kept seeing flashes of him naked with Veruca, him walking away with his life packed where she couldn't be a part of it, him holding her in the morning after… Talk. If she could calm down talk might be okay. She could try.

"I guess so."

"I'll come by your place?"

"Okay." Oz appeared satisfied with that and stepped back to look at the rest of their friends.

"It's great to see you guys again. Really."

He left them silently staring at the door.

"Everyone's uncomfortable now." Anya said redundantly. Willow felt Buffy's hand on her arm.

"You okay?"

She was far too many things right now, and none of them were okay.

"I…" Before she could finish, the girl she'd forgotten in her tension piped up.

"I just… um, I-I realized I'm la-late for study group." Tara sat up and began to edge away from her. Willow tried to take her hands and reassure her.

"Tara, wait."

"No, no, i-it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and I-I should go."

Willow desperately thought of something to say to make her stop. This was all happening too fast for her to process. "But…" Her brain failed her and Tara was out the door before she could find her voice. Xander looked baffled at the exchange between the two witches.

…

Hours later in her room Willow was losing her staring match with the phone. She knew perfectly well there was no study group and that she should tell Tara… something. She couldn't tell her everything would be all right, because she didn't know if it was. What could she say? _"Hi Tara. Please don't break up with me yet. Wait until I've decided if I'm breaking up with you to get back with my ex-boyfriend."_

If he'd come back earlier she knew she would have taken him back in a heartbeat. Even when she hated him he had been all she wanted. She had shutdown so hard and hurt everyone around her. It took almost becoming a demon to pull her out of her tailspin.

Sometimes she thought back on their relationship and all she could see was one struggle after another to prove herself to him. She had to prove she wanted to kiss him, that she accepted his wolf, that she wanted him more than Xander, that she wanted to make love to him, that she could be as sexy as a cool singer like Veruca. She thought over all those times. He had been in the right about everything except the last incident. Seeing the wolves together had felt like payback, but it had been too much. There were so many things he could have done about their situation that didn't end with locking himself up with her. In the end he didn't put in the effort she had after the Xander fluke to fix things, he'd just left. It was such a betrayal she'd never wanted to trust anyone again. And then…

"_I trust you."_

Tara had come into her life, and her heart healed. She could trust Tara with anything. Whatever happened between her and Oz, she had to tell him about Tara first.

He wanted her to come outside? Fine, she could tell him outside just as easily. She followed him into the night in her coat, still not quite believing this was real.

"Oz… This is all so weird. I-I feel like this isn't really happening… like it's a dream or something."

"It's real." He reassured her as they stopped. "Look up."

"What?"

"Look at the sky."

She looked, and there above her was a full moon, obscured only slightly by wispy clouds. Her heart began to pound.

"I guess you stopped keeping track of them after I left."

"Full moon." She looked frantically back and forth between Oz and the moon, the enormity hitting her. Oz was a human in the moonlight.

"Full moon." He repeated happily.

"Full moon." She needed more talking, now. "But, but how? I mean, you did it. How did you do it? Where did you go?"

"It's a long story."

A huge smile claimed her face. "Oh, my god, Oz." She hugged him tight, overcome with joy. But as Oz began to hug her back, a memory of his voice broke the rush of happiness. _"See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me."_She knew his weren't the only arms she thought of anymore. She couldn't do anything with him when she still cared for Tara. Not until she worked out what his transformation meant for them. Oz looked confused at the break of contact. "This is… I mean… it's wonderful for you."

"I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy."

She paused, pained at the truth. It was her fault for not telling her friends earlier. She knew she and Xander didn't talk like they used to since college, but if she had told him Oz might not have gotten his hopes up so high before seeing her. This was going to be hard.

"No. No new guy." She prayed that a lie of omission wasn't the closest she'd be able to get to honesty with him. Dishonesty was how things between them had fallen apart in the first place. He slowly took her hand in both of his.

"I know what I put you through… and I'm not going to push. But I am… a different person than when I left, and I can be what you need now. That's what I want. That's why I'm here."

It was too much. He had found a cure, and he had done it for her. She invited him back to the dorm. The least she could do was hear out that 'long story'. Goddess willing she'd find the right moment to tell him about Tara.

…

"Did you ever master that chord you were working on?"

"Had to sell my bass. Was a bit too busy for music most of the time. I got to try out a sitar in India."

"That's cool. Very Beatles. Going on a journey to the east to find yourself…"

"East, west, south, and north. Lot of werewolves in Canada. They aren't too into the whole preserving humanity thing. Nice guys if you want to learn to hunt elk though."

"Well, better that than…" She didn't finish.

_People._

…

"So you're staying with Devon? I mean, I guess not really since you've kind of been over here tonight and you just got here so I guess you've been staying… You talked with him?"

"Yeah. We caught up a bit. The Dingoes found a new bassist, and they're thinking of changing the name. You heard them play at all?"

"Not so much. I haven't, I've not been one for music lately. It's… not really the same."

Oz held her knee, his eyes softly passing their sympathy to her.

"I know." He smiled sadly at her. "I don't think I could have played decently these past few months if I tried. Not with the way I was."

…

"Hong Kong was interesting. Loud, but interesting."

"And crowded. Isn't it like a huge sardine can only with people instead of fish?"

"Kind of. A family that owed Giles a favor put me up for the full moon. They'd definitely repaid the debt by the time I left their house. More than a few things got broken. Pretty embarrassing."

"Oh. So, you've been keeping in touch with Giles? Because he didn't say anything like that. Not that, you know, you couldn't talk to him privately if you needed to. You had so much to work out."

"No, I haven't talked to him. They were a family of fire demons. Nice family. I think they have ways of knowing things without phones or letters."

"Oooh, speaking of Giles and demons, you'll never guess what happened after Buffy's birthday."

…

"So Riley finally asked out Buffy?"

"I know right? I had to practically tie them together for them to start making moves. Now they're super snuggly. Like, summoning poltergeists and crazy jungle plants snuggly."

"Summoning?"

"Oh yeah. Lowell House was haunted with the spirits of these abused kids, and all their repressed sexual energy put Buffy and Riley in this kind of loop where they kept… summoning. It wasn't very pleasant for non-Buffy and Riley type people."

"All the frats on campus are haunted?"

"That's what Xander said! I guess that's what happens when you build a college on a Hellmouth."

"Yeah, but the mortality rate keeps tuition down."

…

"It's incredible. You've been all around the world. You've had this complete mind-body transformation. I've just been here… same old Sunnydale." She was nervous. Hours of talking and there was still so much unsaid. Every time she thought she was ready to tell Oz she had a girlfriend all the feelings she'd had for him welled up and she couldn't start.

"Doesn't mean you haven't gone through a lot." It didn't help that he was being so understanding. It could crush him to learn she'd found someone else.

"It's true. Some of it, you know, was me telling myself I hated you, and cursing your name. Not literally." She thanked Thespia she hadn't finished her spell the night Veruca attacked her. That would have been an irrevocable step into darkness and have cost her a part of herself as dear as Oz.

"Well, thanks for that."

"And… I don't know, I, I think I'm getting better at my spells and stuff." _Because I have an amazing teacher._ She added silently. Maybe with pieces of the truth, hints, she could soften the blow and build up to a full confession. Oz just looked at her. Sunshine was streaming in the window. "It's so light out."

"Yeah, we talked all night."

Willow searched for a plan that would keep the conversation rolling. "Well, I believe a manly-sized breakfast is in order, don't you?" The musician reached over and softly took her hand.

"Or we could just… sleep a little while." His voice was full of hope and longing. "Whatever you want."

Sleeping in the same bed? That was too far. She could get lost and just take him back before resolving their biggest issue.

"I'll have the less confusing waffles right now."

"Breakfast it is." They got up. Willow could taste her morning breath.

"Let me just freshen up." That would give her a few minutes to herself to plan what she would say.

…

She had a small speech ready to give over breakfast when she came back. Oz was looking perplexed.

"What?"

"Your friend came by. That blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay." He bit his lip. "So what do you think? Where do you want to go?"

Oh god… Tara had come by and seen Oz. In her room. In the same clothes as the day before. Willow could only imagine what she must be thinking; it was what she'd be thinking herself.

"Oz, I, I'm not very hungry. I, kinda need time to just, think? If that's okay?"

He frowned a little. It wasn't what he'd been hoping for, but he nodded.

"I know there's a lot going on. If you need some time, I understand." He brushed her arm with his fingertips as he went to the door. "I'll see you later?"

Willow nodded minutely. Once he was gone she let out a huge sigh and wandered over to her stuffed dog. She curled up with it on her bed, trying to stop the spinning in her brain.

Oz had changed. The thing that had made him the most unsure about their relationship had been overcome, and she was thrilled for him. But that wasn't what she had been waiting for. She had come to terms with his curse, and would have gladly sat beside him every month for the rest of their lives if he'd kept her. The wolf wasn't what had truly hurt her, it was the man. He had wanted Veruca and lied to her about it, and even if the wolf was what caused the lust between them his decisions had been his own. Willow knew it was sick of her, but seeing them in the cage together had been worse than watching Oz tear out Veruca's throat.

She had told Buffy long ago that you had to look at a man's actions to see what he really felt. His last words to her had been "My whole life… I've never loved anything else." She could never believe that. The cheating and leaving had said "You're nothing to me." But he had left to find a cure, to be with her and to feel worthy of her. His actions now told her "All I want is to be with you." Maybe he had really meant it.

It wasn't about being worthy though. She had learned so many things about herself since he'd been gone. She wasn't even sure if the reason things had never been right between them was because she secretly liked girls and had all along. Tara had never been a replacement for Oz because being with her felt nothing like being with him. She had found her own place in Willow's heart, and it was huge. They had so much in common she didn't with Oz, and they connected on a level she never had with anyone else. She knew she couldn't leave the witch hanging, but she didn't know how to explain without hurting her. She wasn't ready to make a choice. Frankly she'd never imagined she would have to choose between two people who wanted her, her indiscretion with Xander aside. If she didn't say something she could lose everything, and she couldn't go through that again.

Willow was granted a reprieve when Buffy came in with her overnight bag, looking grumpy.

"Hey."

"Hey. You okay?" Buffy rubbed her neck.

"Yeah, just…" She set down her bag and took off her coat. "I don't want to talk about it. I want to hear about you and Oz. You saw him right?" She waited for a response with her hands on her hips.

"I was with him all night."

"All night?" Buffy sat on Willow's bed, excited. "Oh my god. Wait. Last night was a wolf moon, right?"

"Yup." Willow wasn't sure why she was being so mono-syllabic. Maybe a night of talking with Oz had rubbed off on her.

"So either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or…"

She interrupted her friend, embarrassed by the image. "No kink. He didn't change Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure and he did. In Tibet."

Buffy smiled hugely. "Oh my god. I can't believe it." She looked at Willow curiously, probably wondering why her best friend wasn't matching her enthusiasm. "Okay, I'm all with the woo-hoo here and you're not."

"No, there's 'woo' and 'hoo'. But there's 'uh-oh', and 'why now'? And, it's complicated."

"Why complicated?"

Of course she had no idea why it was complicated. This was what Willow got for putting it off for long. She tried to put it as simply and truly as she could.

"It's complicated, because of Tara."

Buffy looked more confused than ever.

"You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you…" _said she was gay._Willow completed for her in her head. _Come on, put the last pieces of the puzzle together…_Buffy's eyes went wide as an owl's as she realized what it meant. "Oh." Willow nodded with her eyes. _So you finally know._Buffy got up from the bed, clearly disconcerted. "Oh." She paced the room. "Um… well…" the blonde looked back to Willow. "… that's great. You know, I mean, I think, I think Tara's a really great… girl… Will."

Buffy's discomfort couldn't stop Willow from smiling. Now that the big hurdle had been jumped, she felt like gushing out all the wonderful things Tara made her feel. She'd forgotten how nice it could be to tell someone about a new relationship.

"She is. And, there's something between us. It wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have."

Buffy started pacing and gesturing more.

"Well, I mean there you go. I mean, you know, you have to, you have to follow your heart Will. That's what's important, Will." She grabbed the edge of Willow's dresser nervously. Willow broke her brain out of Tara-space worriedly. This was what she had been afraid of. Buffy was babbling insincere platitudes and fidgeting, possibly trying to hide disgust.

"Why do you keep saying my name like that?"

"Like what Will?" Buffy replied, reinforcing Willow's point. She sat up from her pillow and leaned over.

"Are you freaked?"

"What? No, Will, don't…" The Slayer seemed affronted, but hearing herself say 'Will' again brought her out it. She sat down, becoming more serious. "No, absolutely no to that question." Willow smiled faintly, not quite believing her. At least she had calmed down for the moment. They had been friends for so long, and it pained her to think there were things they wouldn't be able to talk about. Hopefully Buffy just needed time. "I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?" There was genuine concern in her tone.

"I was gonna tell him." She admitted guiltily. "But then we started hanging out and, I could just feel everything coming back. He's Oz, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Buffy said warmly.

"I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy."

"No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is… you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse."

She knew it was true. She had to talk, to both of them. She just hated that the honest thing to say was "I don't know what to do." Oz and Tara were both still inside of her, and she didn't know how to decide who to stay with.

"I'm gonna go talk to her."

…

Willow arrived at Tara's dorm, scared for the door to open for the first time in weeks.

"Hi." Tara didn't speak for a while. Willow couldn't blame her.

"Hi." She stepped back and let Willow inside.

"I can only stay for a minute. I have class." She began as Tara closed the door.

"Me too. I-I have class too." Stuttering. She normally thought it was cute, but this wasn't a shy stutter from playful banter, this was from Willow making her upset. _I've already hurt her. I was so afraid of hurting her I ended up hurting her more. God I'm a coward._

"I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't…" She tried to explain, but Tara interrupted.

"No, i-it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back…"

_That I'd leave you? I could never just leave you._"We were just talking. Nothing happened."

Tara looked relieved. "Oh." The Wiccan paused before asking sadly, "Really?" She seemed about to cry.

"But you know, it was intense… just talking. We have a lot to talk about." Willow turned and stepped away. It was too hard to see the pain on that beautiful face. "I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode."

"Whatever you know, happens," Willow turned back to Tara as she clearly struggled to find the strength to speak. "I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend."

Willow was horrified. She'd known they might not be able to keep going out if she turned out to still be in love with Oz, but their friendship was essential. She'd die without it. "Of course we'll be friends. That's not even a question."

"But I'm saying I know what Oz means to you." Tara clarified in a choked voice. Willow was floored. That was something even she didn't know.

"How can you when I'm not even sure?" Tara slowly walked over to her. She couldn't stop thinking about what it was like to hold her, to kiss her, and to just be understood by someone as incredible as Tara. How could she be so selfless to just let someone else come in and take Willow away? "I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and everything changed, I changed. And then we…"

"What?" Tara asked desperately.

"I don't know. I just, life was starting to get so good, again, and…" She drew closer to Tara, needing to let her know how much she cared. "You're a big part of that." A tear spilled down her cheek. She almost couldn't bear to finish. "And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and I don't know what to do. I want to know, but I don't."

Tara caressed her face. It was so tender Willow couldn't hear her mind's tortured thoughts anymore. All she could feel was her girl.

"Do what makes you, h-h-happy."

Willow looked at Tara, her eyes blurred by tears and embraced her, overcome with emotion. The older woman hesitated a moment before stroking her shoulders. They stayed that way for a long time, Willow feeling how different this was from her hug with Oz. This… this was where she belonged. After a while she reluctantly pulled back, Tara shivering in her arms. Without thinking she took off her sweater and pulled it around the other witch.

"I have to go." She said, barely able to get the words out of her throat. Willow forced herself to leave the room, and only spared one glance at the sadly nodding Tara who was pulling the sweater around her tightly. She had to make a break with Oz, and make it cleanly. The longer this was kept hidden, the worse things would be.

But before Oz, she did have class. She had to go change first, since her clothes were drenched in over twenty four hours of her B.O.

…

It was sort of pointless being in class. She couldn't think of anything but how soon she could settle the mess her love life had become. She was slumped on the table and staring into space when Tara came running and she instantly got up to question her. Fear was radiating from the blonde in waves.

"What's up? You okay?"

"Oz. W-we were talking, and he changed right in front of me."

Willow wasn't sure she'd heard that right. Werewolves changed at the three nights around the full moon, and only after sunset. All the books said that. "What? It's daylight."

"I know, but it happened." Terror rose up in her.

"Oh my god. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Riley and the commando guys, they stopped him, but they don't know it's Oz. I tried to tell them, but they took him away."

Amazing. Assaulted by a vicious beast that was also trying to take her girlfriend from her and was Tara still concerned for the Oz's safety. Willow thought fast. If the Initiative had Oz, they didn't have much time.

"When? Just now?"

"I think they might hurt him." And it would be Willow's fault.

"I have to go. I have to find Buffy."

"I know."

…

She paced restlessly as they waited for Riley to answer Buffy's calls. The guilt was tearing through her guts. She had let this happen. If she'd spoke up sooner, Oz might not have gone berserk. It had been easy to figure out what had happened. The rest of the Scoobies had been oblivious to her relationship with Tara, but after only a few meetings with Tara the insightful Oz had figured it out. If he still had his wolf senses, well, obviously he did given that he still had his wolf everything, and Willow's smell was on Tara when he talked with her it would have been easy to figure out. She had almost lost Tara because of her cowardice, and she wasn't going to lose Oz.

Xander and Buffy started to make plans to go ahead without Riley and she insisted on joining them. This was her fault, and she had to fix it. He'd thought he was cured, and he'd come back for her. She owed it to him to do everything in her power to save him. Spike came in, and all she could think while Buffy sniped at him was "shut up shut up shut up." She'd let Adam himself help them if it would keep Oz safe. Buffy finally agreed and Willow left hacking instructions with Giles and Anya.

They followed the vampire to the Initiative's back entrance, and she waited tensely with him while Buffy and Xander took the Colonel hostage. She perked up when she heard the word wolf. Riley had tried to help Oz? They retrieved the boy in question and ended up surrounded by soldiers. Buffy stood her ground and made a literature-based threat that fell flat.

"Was I the only one awake in English that day? I'll kill him." She clarified. "Get him out." The Colonel nodded for them to open Oz's cell. Relief flooded her. Oz was alive! He winced as Willow approached him.

"Oz…"

"Willow, get back." His hand started to grow fur and claws, but she could see him push it back as she stepped away. He looked pained. Willow kept her distance. If being near her made it harder to suppress the wolf, she'd give him space, no matter how much she wanted to be close and feel for herself that he was whole. Riley took Oz by the arm and the gang left the compound, their weapons and the Initiative's trained on each other in a Mexican standoff.

Once they were outside Riley stopped and looked down. It was clear what was bothering him. He was a fugitive now, and he'd lost his purpose to save Oz. Willow would always be grateful for what he had done. Buffy had picked a good one. They agreed to split up and hide Riley before anyone came looking. Willow silently followed Oz to his van. They sat there, his eyes facing forward. She tried some light conversation to ease them into the big talk, but he didn't turn his head.

"I shouldn't have come back now. I just thought I'd changed."

"You have changed." Willow said soothingly. "You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."

"But I couldn't look at you. I mean it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."

There was that guilt again. Maybe Oz could have lived a werewolf free life if he'd stayed away. "It was my fault. I upset you." He finally looked at her, sadly smiling.

"So we're safe then… 'cause you'll never do that again." He said with soft sarcasm. She swallowed, knowing it was true. Even if she hadn't found Tara, she couldn't be perfect for him all the time. And besides, she _had_found Tara. "But you're happy?"

Willow felt her heart beat faster. "I am. I can't explain it."

"It may be safer for both of us if you don't." He interrupted lowly. She paused, thinking. She had to let him know that she hadn't just thrown herself to someone new the moment he left, or that she hadn't cared.

"I missed you Oz. I wrote you so many letters… but I didn't have any place to send them, you know?" He faced forward again, pained. "I couldn't live like that."

"It was stupid to think that you'd just be… waiting."

"I was waiting." Oz looked at her again. She had waited so long. Tara had been unexpected, and she'd resisted admitting what she felt partially because she thought her true love had left. After today it was clear he wasn't, but he would always be a part of her. Her first. "I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue haired and I turn the corner in Istanbul…" Oz chuckled sadly at that. "And there you are, I won't be surprised… because you're with me, you know?"

"I know. But now is not that time, I guess." She shook her head. It was true. She knew who she wanted to be with, and no one, not even Oz could stop her.

"No. What are you gonna do?"

"I think I better take off."

"When?"

"Pretty much now." She nodded, knowing it was for the best. Oz reached for her, and they embraced for the last time.

As the van drove away, she felt like a huge weight had been lifted. This would never have been the closure she expected, but now that she had it she was finally free to give herself to Tara. She hoped Oz would find his place in the world, and someone who he could love without reservations. Someone who truly understood him the way Tara understood her. Maybe they could meet again someday, in some far off country and finally sit together as friends.

Now of course, she had to get back to where she belonged. The power was still off, so she would need a candle, and something to say. She put together different speeches as she made her way to Stevenson and then to Tara's dorm.

_Tara, I have to tell you what you mean to me. I've never felt this way before in my whole life. I don't want to be with anyone but you. Can you ever forgive me?_

It was a start at least. She toyed with new sentences to follow the first part up as she waited for Tara to answer the door. It was dark inside her room. The light of Willow's candle cast shadows on the lovely Wiccan's features. Her expression was hard to read.

"No candles? Well, I brought one. It's extra-flamey." Tara lingered a moment before silently taking the candle and stepping back to let Willow inside. The redhead shut the door without taking her eyes off her. She started her speech hurriedly, afraid her heart would beat too fast and burst. "Tara, I have to tell you…"

"No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love."

Love. That was the instant she finally knew. She was in love. She had been from the first time Tara took her hand in hers. Her speech seemed hollow now. It was all so simple.

"I am."

Tara looked stunned.

"You mean…?" She begged for clarification.

"I mean." Her tone couldn't contain the truth of her emotions, it was so massive. "Okay?" She still had to ask. After all that had happened in the past two days, she wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't what Tara wanted to hear.

"Oh yes." Tara's voice was pure elation.

"I feel horrible about everything I put you through," Willow continued, needing to apologize despite her love's forgiveness. "And I'm gonna to make it up to you." She paused for a moment, excitement filling her. She sensed something special was about to happen, and she couldn't wait. "Starting right now."

Tara had to catch her breath before responding. "Right now?" She didn't seem able to believe what she was hearing. Willow couldn't contain her joy and just nodded with a huge smile.

Then Tara blew out the candle. In the darkness it was still easy for them to find each other, and Willow immediately began making it up to her. It was slow at first, both of them being new to it, but Willow was a quick study. The sun was up before she stopped.

…

Author's (other) notes: I know I'm taking liberties having Willow out Tara before herself, and it may look like I'm writing Buffy as stupid but it's not my intention. Learning "this girl I met recently likes girls" is a bit different than learning "this girl who's been my best friend for years and has only dated boys is dating a girl". I always wondered what the rest of the "No, you…" sentence was, and I think it could have conceivably been that.


	3. Witch Stuff

Willow woke to the sensation of a warm body wrapped around hers. Soft breaths blowing across the top of her chest made her tingle with each exhale. Their legs and arms held the other tightly to them. It had been a sleepless rollercoaster for the young witch since Sunday morning, but it had ended with the most wonderful experience and comfortable sleep of her life. She was so at ease she couldn't feel the bed, just their interlocked bodies. She sighed in contentment at the thought before she realized the extent of that feeling. There was no tactile sensation beneath her despite the weight of Tara and the sheets pressing down on her.

She blinked, her field of vision taken up mainly by a messy tangle of blonde hair. Willow craned her head carefully, not wanting to separate from the other girl. They were floating half a foot above the mattress, suspended in the air. "What the heck…?" Tara began to stir at her words, yawning into Willow's throat as she joined her in wakefulness. The blonde snuggled against her, then opened her eyes as she reached for the bed with the arm she had curled under Willow's back. Tara pulled away, fully awake, to look at their unexplained levitation and once their contact was broken they fell to the bed with a thump.

"W-what was that about?" Tara asked half laughing.

"I don't know." She answered grinning hugely. She ran the back of her hand over her girlfriend's neck, reveling in the heat she could feel through her knuckles. "Just the magic between us, I guess." Tara beamed at her and pulled them together for a kiss. She placed her head on Willow's shoulder as they hugged, her hands stopping their caresses after a minute.

"The power's back on." Willow followed Tara's gaze to the blinking alarm clock. The older Wiccan looked back to her worriedly. "You- we could be late for class."

The redhead shrugged, not letting go of her. "It's probably postponed from the blackout. Besides," she said wickedly, rubbing her hand down Tara's abdomen, "I've got much more important stuff to be doing." Not too long ago the thought of skipping class for anything less than life and death would have horrified her, but now it seemed insignificant compared to staying right where she was. Tara seemed surprised by the statement too, happily though. The blonde's fingertips traced her spine, and Willow leaned up for another kiss before they were rudely interrupted by a loud growl from Willow's stomach. She buried her face in her lover's chest, embarrassed. Goddess only knew what time it was, and she hadn't eaten at all the day before despite Giles' attempts at feeding them while they waited on Riley.

"Like getting food." Tara said smiling with only the left side of her mouth. Willow looked up at her with a pout.

"But that would involve getting out of bed."

"Even after last night, y-you still…" Her girlfriend shook her head, laughing disbelievingly. She sighed, hands still stroking Willow's back. "I didn't expect you to choose me, let alone… make it up to me." Tara's blue eyes darkened with desire, showing how happy that had made her.

"Of course I did." Willow said tenderly. "I love you."

Tara brought one hand up to bury it in short red hair. "I know that." She said softly.

The younger girl rested her head on her partner's breast, relaxing at the touch. "I was just too much of a dummy to show you sooner." They looked at each other in comfortable silence, enjoying the emotional, physical, and magical connection that bonded them so closely until Willow's stomach rumbled even louder. She groaned her displeasure and Tara pushed her up, forcing them to start the day despite their mutual desire to lay there forever.

"I'm going to have to cook for you sometime." Tara said as they gathered their clothes from around the room.

"You cook too?"

…

Over the next few days Willow moved a few outfits and toiletries to Tara's room to facilitate more snuggly sleepovers. The couple's new closeness helped to distract Willow from her increasing distance from Buffy. When the Slayer wasn't in class or on patrol she was visiting Riley in his hideout at the abandoned school. Cordelia called from L.A. once while no one was in the girl's room and Willow decided to give her Tara's number to keep the seer from having to leave messages in the future. Willow was over there more often than her own place, and for whatever reason the little witch had become the closest to the former Scooby since Cordy had left Sunnydale.

A few days into Riley's exile Willow went over to bring him dinner. She and Xander were worried about him too, and helping him was a way they could take some pressure off the strained Buffy. He seemed grateful for the company, if a bit grouchy from being cooped up with nothing to fight.

"I can't thank you enough, what you did for Oz." She sat down beside the ex-soldier holding her coffee cup in both hands.

"I'm just glad we got him out in time. And that I finally made a choice." Riley sighed, looking at his barely eaten sandwich. "I knew things were wrong at the Initiative, but I had a duty, you know. I thought we were looking out for people, but it ain't always that simple."

"Well, you looked out for Oz and Tara. That's simple enough for me." Willow gave him a small smile as he turned to her.

"Buffy told me he left. If the Initiative weren't here he could have stayed, kept on doing whatever you guys did for him before." Riley gave her a look of sympathy. "It's a shame the Initiative can't see what you and Buffy do, the shades of gray. I mean, it's not like anyone chooses to be bitten by a werewolf, or a vampire." He looked away for a second at that last word.

"It's for the best, really." She assured him. "He still needs to work on controlling his transformation. It wasn't the right time to come back."

"I know. It's just a shame that stuff like that has to get in the way of love."

Willow gulped at little.

"Well, that wasn't the only thing. If I'd told him I was with Tara right away he wouldn't have wolfed out in the middle of the school. If you hadn't been there…"

Riley's eyes widened. "Oh, you and Tara are…" He tossed his head back, laughing a bit. "Well now I feel dense. I should have known. But I guess I was around Buffy whenever I was around the two of you and I didn't see. Sorry."

Willow smiled. Riley really was a decent guy. That had been a more reassuring reaction than Buffy's. "No apologies needed. I know you two kind of tune out everything else when you're together." He rubbed his neck a bit sheepishly. After a thoughtful minute he spoke again.

"I guess that was what Buffy was talking about."

She tensed, curiosity rising in her.

"Buffy? Talking about what?"

"We got into a bit of an argument about… you, the night Oz came back. Buffy told me he was a werewolf and that you dated him knowing that. I was shocked and said I thought you were too smart to be into dangerous men." Willow opened her mouth to protest, but decided against it. Oz _was_ dangerous, and smart or not she had accepted it. "She was mad at me when she left in the morning too." _Hence the grumpy when she came back to our room. _It was nice to think of Buffy defending her to her boyfriend. "We made up after you broke us out of the Initiative. I apologized for being judgmental about you and Oz. Then Buffy said it was just a momentary freak out from finding out you were in an 'unconventional relationship' and that it happens. I guess she was talking about you and Tara too."

That wasn't too comforting. Buffy _was _freaked out. _Oh god, what if that's why she's been avoiding me? She's not okay with the gayness. _Riley swallowed and she tried to pull herself out her panic. _Come on Willow, don't blow this out of proportion. Buffy said it was a 'momentary' freak out. Maybe she's had time to deal and things can be normal between us. I hope. _

"Then she told me about Angel. Her dangerous man."

Willow mouthed "Oh", understanding what had Riley so upset.

"I figure that was part of why she was extra-defensive of you and Oz." He set his jaw firmly. "She has this big, lost love and I indirectly called her stupid for it. Sometimes I don't know if I'll ever…" He shook his head, letting the thought remain incomplete.

"Ever what?" She asked.

"I don't know, understand her. Know how not to piss her off, or how to get her to open up to me the way she does to you."

Willow felt a twinge of pain. That was how it used to be. They had had their ups and downs in the years they'd been best friends, but recently Buffy hardly talked to her at all, let alone truly opened up. Riley didn't need to be burdened with any of that though. He needed someone to believe in him.

"Well I think you understand her just fine, the way you were deconstructing her just now?" _Plus you're a Psych major, but after Professor Walsh's dying, bringing that up, probably not a good idea._ "She's crazy about you. And Angel? Pssh, you're way better for her than Angel. He made her miserable." _Sometimes. But you don't need to know that._ Riley smiled weakly.

"Hmm. Well I've got the ability to suntan going for me, so that's a point in my column."

"Exactly." 

They were quiet for the rest of their meal, and Willow suspected they were both contemplating the same thing, if for different reasons: the strength of their relationship with the Slayer.

…

The next couple of weeks gave Willow little opportunity to reconnect with Buffy. The Slayer was trying everything she could think of to find Adam, and barely talked to anyone but Riley. Willow chose to set aside a day when they both had no classes or visits with their significant others planned to spend time with her. It seemed like forever since they'd been in their room at the same time.

"Do you want to go to the…" She began. Of course, the phone had to ring at that moment. Buffy picked it up.

"Hello?" Any hopes Willow had that the call was unimportant were dashed when her friend's face hardened. "She's in L.A.?... What about the police?... Well of course they can't handle her, not even the Council's goon squad could… She did what?... I'm going. Now." Buffy was already moving to the door before Willow could speak.

"Buffy, what's going on?" She had a sinking feeling she knew who the 'she' was.

"It's Faith. She tried to kill Angel."

"Oh my god. Well, you'll need back up and…"

"No." Buffy was in full Slayer mode. "I need to do this. Alone." She grabbed her bag and was gone. The witch watched helplessly as the door swung shut behind her.

…

She sequestered herself in Tara's room, and it proved a very pleasant safe haven from thoughts of battle between Buffy and Faith. Tara seemed to flinch at the mention of the rogue Slayer's name. She couldn't help but wonder what Faith had said to her during the one meeting between the girls at the Bronze. Whatever it was it had left the Wiccan incredibly unsettled, and Willow decided against pressing her for details, not wanting to cause her even more discomfort.

The next day her worries about Faith were pushed to the back of her mind by the arrival of an adorable new companion. Tara managed to sneak in the black and white kitten and neither of the witches could get enough of her. They took turns playing with her as they planned out their class schedules for next year. She smiled, lowering the cat into her lap.

"I haven't even dealt with the housing situation yet. Have you done anything? I hear there's some… off campus places that are way cool for groups to you know… go in on."

The kitten tried to wander out of her lap as she spoke. Willow pulled her back and scritched her tummy. She had a fantasy of a place with a room for her and Tara, an adjoining but soundproofed room for Buffy and Riley, and a guest room where Xander and maybe even Anya could crash. Giles could come over and act as den father. It wasn't terribly realistic, but it was nice to dream. At the very least she knew she wanted to be with Tara.

"Oh, I just figured you'd be dorming it up with Buffy again." As close as they'd gotten, her blonde love still didn't seem confident that Willow would pick her over her friends. It wasn't a decision she wanted to be forced into.

"We haven't really talked about it. I used to assume we'd be roomies through grad school, well into little old ladyhood you know… cheatin' at bingo together and forgetting to take our pills."

Tara picked up on the doubt in Willow's voice. She could read her so well. "But?"

"But… I don't know. It hardly feels like we're roomies now. She's busy with Riley… and I'm gone a lot too." She thought for a moment. The Faith thing had interrupted her before she could work things out with Buffy. With any luck she'd be back within the next couple of days and she'd have another chance. "Guess I should ask her."

…

The next afternoon Willow went back to her room, hoping to find Buffy safe and sound. She wasn't there, but her bag was, so she must have come home at some point. She felt a twinge of hurt that Buffy hadn't called to let her know she was back. The phone rang, and Willow nearly skipped over to it. Her heart fell a little when it was Giles on the other end, not Buffy.

"Buffy's not here. What's up?"

"Actually you're the one I need to speak to. I'm paying Spike to fetch us some disks from the Initiative, and I'll need your help looking them over."

She perked up at the thought. She didn't get much chance to be hacker-Willow these days.

"Sure. I'll get my stuff together and be right over."

She grabbed her laptop and went to pick up Tara on the way to Giles' apartment. He had a glass in his hand when he opened the door for them and gestured Willow towards the table he had cleared off for her. She set up her computer and began booting up as Tara watched curiously.

"This'll be your first time seeing computer nerd me in action. Hope you're not too bored watching. I know it's not as thrilling as monster fighting, but it is my signature skill around here."

"Oh I'm sure it won't be boring," Tara said kindly. "I don't know much about computers, but it sounds cool. Deciphering codes, it's unlocking a mystery. That's always interesting." They shared a smile. She passed the time tinkering with the code of her homemade programs while they waited for the vampire to arrive. Giles was quiet, staying in the kitchen with an ever filling glass.

It was night by the time Spike arrived in his military garb, apparently having been chased at some point on the way back to Giles' apartment. Willow took the disks from him and began to check them as Spike and Giles argued. Tara's fingertips moved softly through her hair as she worked. She accessed the first disk and the screen was a mess of perpendicular lines of blue characters.

"It looks like gibberish." Tara said as she peered at the code.

"Gibberish?" Spike asked, his attention back on Willow's task.

"They're encrypted." She explained, not sure how much the century old vampire knew about modern technology.

"Oh wonderful." Giles complained as Spike moved next to Willow.

"Can you fix 'em?"

"Crack a government encryption code on my laptop?" Willow looked at him for a moment, not wanting to overstate her abilities. In all honesty it could take quite a while. "Easy as really difficult pie."

"You're not exactly the whiz these days, either. God I'm never gonna get paid." He said in frustration. She looked at Spike again, offended.

"I am a whiz." Willow said firmly, turning back to the screen.

"She is a whiz." Tara agreed supportively.

"If ever a whiz there was. I-I just need some time."

"No. I just heard you weren't… Your mates said, you weren't playing with computers so much." Again Spike's words brought her out of her hacking. He indicated Tara with his head. "Into to the new thing."

"What new thing?"

"You know, you two, the whole Wicca thing." She turned her body to him in concern. Xander and Buffy were talking about the 'Wicca thing', meaning the 'lesbian thing', behind her back? In front of Spike?

"They, they were talking about that?"

"Could we get back to business here? I've got a deal at stake." Spike said, ignoring her discomfort. Urgent business or not, she had to know what had been said.

"What did they say?"

"Talking about you know, it's a phase. You'll get over it." He answered dismissively.

"What? Who said that? Was it Buffy?" She could hear Tara take a breath and feel her stroke her hair. Willow turned to her girlfriend to reassure her. "'Cause you know what she means by that…"

Spike interrupted and stepped to the side, Willow's gaze following him. "No, she was defending you. 'Cause Xander said you were just being trendy."

"Trendy?" What, did he think Willow was just dating a girl to seem cooler? That was insane. Who would pretend to be an oppressed minority when they could pass as what society considered normal?

"I don't know what they were going on about. Person wants to be a witch, that's their business." He said almost kindly. Willow shook her head. So her worst fears had been true. They weren't accepted.

"I knew Buffy was freaked."

"You should talk to her, 'cause I'm sure…" Tara tried to calm her, but Spike pointed back to the computer.

"Pressing business, ladies. Don't want to get sidetracked. Still got your monsters to fight."

…

Hours later Buffy finally arrived, Xander and Anya having already come in. She quickly told them that Faith was taken care of, not going into further details, and then told them about her encounter with Adam in the cave. Buffy was very eager for Willow to make progress on the decryption, and Tara sweetly praised Willow's efforts to her. It didn't do much good. The Slayer did seem somewhat regretful of her attitude but kept on pressing.

"Sorry you guys. We're on a clock here." She paced as she spoke. "Okay, Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I could go back, scope it out… track him if I have to."

That was the final straw. Willow had been quiet for weeks now, and after what just happened to Forrest there was no way she was going to let Buffy was go after Adam on her own. She pushed herself out of her chair and confronted her gung-ho friend.

"Right, and then maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll still be there, and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy you can't go back alone." There was anger in her voice. She didn't care.

"You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass." Giles chimed in.

"Giles." Buffy said surprised. He came out of the kitchen holding yet another drink.

"Sorry. Was it a bit honest? Terribly sorry." Xander got up from the couch.

"So she doesn't go alone. Giles, weapons all around."

"You're not going Xander." He turned to her as she shut down his offer of help. "You'd get hurt."

"Oh… okay, you and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here."

"Ahh, no I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job." Giles said ruefully.

"Willow's not going either. I'm doing it alone." Willow uncrossed her arms and moved closer to Buffy. The Slayer kept trying to do everything alone, and it was going to get her killed.

"Oh great. And then when you have your new no arms," She could see Tara leave the room out of the corner of her eye, but she was too wound up to go to her. "We can all say, 'Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that.'"

Xander gestured sarcastically at her cynical statement.

"Right, maybe we can help in other ways. Want some fighting pants, Buff? I can get ya some new fighting pants."

"You guys, this isn't helping." Buffy said, clearly trying her hardest to remain calm. Anya got up and followed Tara away from the tension.

"Oh wow, we're already getting in the way. We're pretty good at this Xander, huh?" She couldn't stop her bitterness. It had been building for a while, and now every little slight from Buffy was coming back to nip at her.

"Right, I'm so good at it, you might have to ship me off to the army to get me out of the way." Xander said with his hands on his chest. Buffy's face seemed to say "Seriously?"

"The army?"

"You didn't know I knew about that, did ya?" He looked between the girls. Willow was confused. What was he talking about? When had she or Buffy ever mentioned the army? Or even talked together without Xander at all for that matter? "You two talking about me behind my back."

"Us talking about you?" Buffy said as she approached Xander. "How about you telling Riley every last detail of my life with Angel?"

"Besides, when is there an 'us two'?" Willow piped up, waving her arms dismissively. "You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one."

"Uh-huh, but maybe all that changes when I'm doing sit-ups over at Fort Dix."

Giles choked on his drink, laughing.

"Fort Dix?" Both girls turned to look at him as he chortled. He was clearly intoxicated.

"Are you drunk?"

The ex-Watcher wandered a bit, not caring.

"Yes, quite a bit actually."

"Well, stop it." Buffy said with a raised voice, finally getting stressed. "This is stupid."

"Stupid." Xander repeated. "So you finally had the guts to say it to my face."

The Slayer seemed frantic. "I didn't say you were stupid. So stop being an idiot and let me fix this." He sat down on the couch, still hurting. "Okay, I need you. I need both of you all the time, just… not now. Adam is very dangerous."

Willow contemplated Buffy's words. How could she say she need them when just a few breaths ago she had been insisting on doing everything alone? And didn't she see the contradiction in needing them all the time, except for now? "Now" was part of all the time.

"Wait. How do you need me, really?" She asked. Buffy gestured to the laptop.

"You're good with the computer stuff. Usually." She could feel her temperature rise as she grew madder, insulted. "And-and there's the witch stuff."

There was the heart of the matter. The real reason Buffy didn't want her around.

"Witch 'stuff'. What exactly do you mean by witch stuff?" Willow said spitefully, wanting to hear the ugly truth. The disgust Buffy felt was worse hidden beneath the surface. If she was going to reject her, Willow deserved to hear her say it outright.

"You guys, what is happening? This is crazy." She was almost pleading.

"Oh no it's not. It's all finally making perfect sense…" Giles said, attempting to sit at the computer chair. "… and I'm not gonna miss a moment of it." He missed the chair and fell to the floor. He grumbled and made his way upstairs as more harsh words flew between the three of them. Xander was still hung up on the idea of being shipped off the army. Willow's vexation brought down the politeness that had been keeping her from letting loose on Xander for the past several months.

"No, you'd be wonderful in the army. Hey do you think the umbilical cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?"

Xander was furious. "I knew it. I knew you hated her!" He pointed at Willow accusingly. Giles' sweater fell from the second floor onto Xander's head. He tore it off angrily.

Willow didn't care. She had been far more tolerant of Xander's love life than they had been of hers. "Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy."

"Judgmental?" Buffy said as if shocked. Willow crossed her arms and Xander turned from her to Buffy. "If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make my whole brain would fall out." Xander looked back to Willow with a cynical breeze.

"Oh, and superior. Don't forget that." He walked past the Slayer. "Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior." He leaned against a cabinet, not seeming phased by his somewhat contradictory declaration.

"You guys, stop this." Buffy begged. "What happened to you today?"

Had she really not seen this coming? "It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for awhile. Don't you see that?" Buffy looked helplessly between Willow and Xander.

"What do you mean wrong?"

"Well they certainly haven't been right, since Tara. We have to face it- You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend." Xander came forward to protest.

"No, it was bad before that. Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-" He turned to Buffy and back to Willow as he slowly comprehended what his long time friend had just said. Apparently Buffy and Riley hadn't filled him in. "Tara's your girlfriend?"

"Bloody hell!" Giles called out from upstairs. It was a testament to how far apart they'd drifted that Willow couldn't tell if he was exclaiming because of surprise at new knowledge, or disbelief that Xander hadn't caught on to the obvious sooner.

"Enough!" Buffy yelled. "All I know is you wanna help, right? Be part of the team?" Willow brushed her hair nervously as she and Xander talked at once.

"I don't know anymore." "Feeling not wanted."

"No!" Buffy insisted. "No, you said you wanted to go." Willow re-crossed her arms, feeling a need to protect herself from the Slayer's anger. "So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!"

"Buffy…" Xander said, perhaps realizing the need to cool off.

"Is that it? Is that how you can help?" She waited on them. Willow couldn't think of what to say. "You're not answering me! How can you possibly help?" They were silent. "So… I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a chosen one and her friends." She stomped off towards the door. "If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on." Neither of them could watch as she left. They shared an awkward glance, not able to say anything. After a minute Tara and Anya emerged hesitantly from the bathroom, looking around to see if the storm had passed. Willow took her hand and squeezed it apologetically. They went to Tara's room in silence.

…

Willow curled up at the foot of the bed in the fetal position, a pillow clutched tightly to her. Tara wrapped her arm around her shoulders, rubbing her arm soothingly.

"I-I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't come around for a while if it's going to make things w-w-worse for you all."

"Tara no, no." She protested, letting go of the pillow to hold her companion. "I'm not letting anything get between us." She rubbed her cheek against Tara's side. "If that means backing off from Buffy, then…"

"No! Willow y-you can't do that." She cupped Willow's face and tilted it so they were looking into each other's eyes. "I know how i-important you are to each other."

The redhead could feel tears forming and shut her eyes tight, willing them to stop.

"She thinks I'm useless." She swallowed, struggling to speak through her clenched throat. "And what if she's right?" Willow looked to Tara helplessly, her anger at Buffy turning inward. "I've been so busy working on my witchcraft I haven't kept up with my computer skills. And I'm no good at that either." Tara just shook her head, looking even sadder than Willow felt it were possible. "God, I gave up going to a good college so I could stay here and help people with spells. And where has that gotten me? I helped Spike escape demon hunters, that's a real victory. I never do anything useful with magick, I just hurt everyone."

Tara held Willow's head to her chest, stroking her hair lovingly. "Willow that's not true. You help out everyone, all the time. Like with the katra…" The younger witch let out a sob.

"That was your idea. Every bit of magick that's helped anyone was your idea. Anything I come up with, like the rose or the demon locator just blows up in my face. Any magick I can do right is because of you. I'm nothing without you. I'm worthless."

"Willow stop!" She pulled away from Tara's chest, startled at the force in her girlfriend's voice. The blonde had set her face resolutely and stared at Willow with total seriousness. "You are not worthless. You're the strongest person I've ever met, and I don't just mean your magic power. Yes," Tara said, stopping Willow's protest, "You are powerful. But it's more than that. You never give up, you never stop caring. You do whatever it takes to get the job done, whether it's with the hacking or the spellcasting. It's one of the many, many reasons I love you."

Willow couldn't fight the tears anymore. She didn't think she'd ever heard Tara say so much at once. She knew her love meant every word though. Tara had told her once that her heart didn't stutter.

"And that's why you aren't going to give up on Buffy and the rest, okay baby? They're your family, and they need you just as much as you need them." She waited a moment while Willow tried to find something to say to this incredible woman that could possibly show how much her words of wisdom meant to her. "Promise?"

"I promise."

Tara smiled and kissed her wet eyes, wiping the tears from each cheek softly. Willow snuggled against her as close as she could and they held one another through the night, ready to support the other through whatever tomorrow would bring.

…

Author's Notes: So if you've been wondering why this is labeled a Friendship and not a Romance, it's because I'm having fun exploring all of Willow's relationships, Oz in the last chapter, and Riley in this one. In the next chapter "Let's promise to never not talk again", the spotlight will be on Buffy obviously. Then in the final chapter I'll finally get to focus on Willow's oldest and most important friend. I'm not sure what kind of story I'll come up with for Willow and Tara next, but I'll try and make it something more original than this. Thanks for reading.


	4. Let's promise to never not talk again

The first thing Willow decided in the morning was to continue the decryption. Whether Buffy wanted her help or not, she had dedicated her life to protecting the people of the Hellmouth. Unfortunately her laptop had been left at Giles' apartment in their hurry to leave. Tara sensed her reluctance to return and agreed to come with her. Giles was too hung over for her to tell if he was disturbed by her relationship with Tara, but Tara kept a sweet smile during the brief interaction. They took the computer and made their way back to Tara's room.

"Thanks for coming. I know it must be awkward, with everything that went on last night."

Tara flinched a little, but managed to bring back a small grin. It looked forced, but Willow was grateful for the effort. "Of course."

"I understand if you don't want to be around the gang for a while… I'm going to try and work things out with them, really." She took Tara's hand. "But it means a lot, having you with me. It makes facing things easier." Her smile became more natural, though there was still pain in her eyes.

"I want to come with you. But… I think m-maybe you should talk with Buffy, just you two? I don't know if… I might be making her uncomfortable." Willow felt a surge of anger at the Slayer, followed by sadness.

"Tara, if she can't handle who I am…" The blonde shook her head, interrupting.

"I don't think that what's bothering her." She looked at Tara questioningly. "I think she's kind of… hurt that I'm taking you from her." Willow's face contorted in total bewilderment. _She doesn't think that we were ever the 'roommate' kind of roommates, does she? Though I wouldn't blame her, with the way I'm always going on about Buffy._

"Tara, Buffy and I never…"

"Oh god, no, I didn't mean…" The witch said with a blush at the implication. "I meant hurt that I'm taking up your time and your attention…" She fixed Willow with a knowing look. "… kind of like you feel when she's away with Riley."

That hit the nail on the head. A significant other could easily make the other people in your life feel like you were insignificant to them. It was a feeling Riley brought up in her way too often. Before coming out to Buffy Willow had spent some time considering how her time away with Tara was thought of by the others, but only out of worry that they would be discovered. She'd never stopped to see how similar it was to Buffy's attachment to Riley or the constant clinginess of Anya to Xander.

"That's true. I guess this wasn't a one sided pulling away, huh?"

"These things happen." Tara's eyes were gazing somewhere into the space ahead of them. "But you guys, you have a really tight bond, and Riley's the only one who's really broken into it. Me and Anya, we're still kind of outsiders."

Willow rubbed her thumb along the palm of Tara's hand. "I don't want you to feel like an outsider. I mean, it's not like we all haven't dated people before. If the gay thing isn't a problem then I don't see why you'd have a harder time being one of the Scoobies than anyone else. I mean, who wouldn't see how amazing you are?"

Tara curled her fingers around Willow's thumb, meeting her eyes with a fragile bit of hope.

"Not any harder than a werewolf or a vampire being accepted, right?"

"Well, that was a lot easier than accepting Cordelia. If she can fit into the group you deserve a gala induction with red carpets, confetti and a big oversized bouquet." Those words had her girlfriend smiling all the way back to the dorm.

…

The hacker set to work with a few attempts at keyboard interference by the kitten. After half an hour of distractions from Tara the cat finally dozed off. Willow tried different asymmetric algorithms on the data, but an hour in she was no closer to a solution than she had been the night before. A phone call provided a much needed interruption.

"Hello?" Willow wondered if it was one of the gang, not sure if she wanted it to be. "Yes, I'm Tara. … Willow told me you might call here. … Oh, well she's right here." Tara put her hand over the receiver. "It's Cordelia. She's says she needs some computer help."

_Speak of the devil…_Willow thought as she took the phone. "Hey Cordelia. What exactly do you need help with?"

"Oh just breaking into an evil law firm's secret files. Angel snagged some disks from them and they're totally impenetrable."

_Another weird coincidence._"So you called me?"

"Well, yeah. You're the expert. You were teaching a programming class in eleventh grade. Besides, who else I am going to get tech support from who won't charge me?"

"I can always start." She teased half heartedly. _Wow, Cordelia has more faith in me than I do. How sad is that?_"So what are you seeing?"

For the next hour and forty five minutes she led Cordy through the basics of hacking while trying new approaches to her own challenges. The seer didn't bring up Tara, so she was either indifferent to Willow's love life or ignorant of the significance of having been given Tara's number to call Willow at. She was certain she'd used the word girlfriend when explaining who Tara was when giving her the number, but Cordelia might have taken that to mean girlfriend in the sense Harmony and Aura were her girlfriends. In any case, this wasn't the time to bring up the issue. Lives were on the line in both L.A. and Sunnydale. The coincidence of them both breaking encrypted computer files on the same day impressed Cordelia, a fact that she relayed to Wesley and Angel. The L.A. group seemed to be getting along a lot better than her own. They finally broke through on Cordy's side and she was struck with a new idea. Tara took the phone from her and returned it to its cradle.

"That was amazing. You hacked a computer without even looking at it."

"I could have done it faster if I was there in person, but at least Cordelia seems able to take instructions. Not that she ever listens to Angel apparently."

"She seemed all right. I mean, you talked for almost two hours without snapping at each other."

Willow took in Tara's near smirk. Admitting that her former bully and rival had become a friend was something she had yet to really do, but Tara always tried to see the best in people and had been encouraging her to do the same.

"She has changed a lot. I guess you take away the money, the school social standing, and the massive wardrobe and even the meanest of mean girls can learn some humility."

Tara went to get her a drink as she began her new approach to the code.

"Maybe you should rest, clear your head." The blonde said as sat beside Willow.

"Can't. Not now. I think I'm onto something. I've been assuming that the cipher text was encrypted with an asymmetric algorithm. Then it hit me. A hexagonic key pattern…"

Tara pointed at the screen excitedly. "Hey look! You did it."

To Willow's confusion the decryption code began typing itself out.

"I didn't. I haven't even finished typing in the new code."

"Something's doing it."

She felt a surge of frustration. All those hours of work, wasted. "Must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying. It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've…" She caught herself in mid-babble. _The point is to help people, not feed my ego. This is of the good._"I mean, yippee! We have the information."

Tara didn't seem as sure. "I-I don't know if 'yippee' is the right response either. Read that."

The phone rang again as she began looking over the files. They all seemed concerned with the 314 project.

"Hello. Yeah, she's right..." Tara stopped, clearly not wanting to rush Willow. "I mean, let me check. It's Buffy."

She braced herself. She hadn't forgotten her promise to make amends, and if Buffy was willing to make the first move to reconcile she wasn't going reject it. The redhead nodded and took the phone.

"Hi."

"Hey." Buffy's voice was slow, almost calculated. "I've found out some things. I want to go over them with all of you." Willow took a deep breath, waiting for her to finish. "I'm sorry I bailed on you last night. I do need your help. Now."

She swallowed a bit, keeping her tone even. "Sure."

"Great. We can meet on the quad, near the admissions building?"

"Yeah. I have a few things I need to look over first. I'll see you then?"

"Right. Later."

Willow finally let go of her breath as she set back the phone. Tara's hands were on her shoulders gently massaging her.

"Are you going to be okay?" She nodded, putting her hands over Tara's.

"I'll be fine." She sighed as she turned to take the older girl in her arms. "I know you said I should talk to Buffy alone first, but if you want to come…"

Tara frowned, shrinking back into herself. "I don't think n-now is a good time."

"Okay." She didn't want to push. Having her lover by her side made Willow feel safe, but if she couldn't even face her best friends without Tara she really was useless.

…

The four arrived at the quad and stood in the four compass directions, Giles to her left, Xander to her right, and Buffy across from her. For a few minutes all they could do was look around tensely, waiting for someone to begin speaking. Once again it was the one who had brought them together that took the plunge.

"Where's Anya?" Buffy asked.

"Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite all the fun we had at our last meeting." Willow felt a surge of guilt. She had no fondness for the ex-demon, but she had been even crueler about Xander's relationship than the others had been about Tara that night. No wonder neither of them had wanted to come.

"And I don't think Tara felt welcome."

Buffy seemed thoughtful. "Why? Because of the things that we said?" Willow nodded. "Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?"

"Well, I…" She realized what the Slayer was getting at. In actuality, she had never heard any of the others expressing a problem with her "Wicca phase". She had assumed it was because they were talking behind her back, but considering the source… "Spike, specifically, but…"

Buffy turned to Xander next. "And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?"

He was taken aback, and opened his arms to protest.

"That's not… exactly what he said."

Giles took a nervous drink of his coffee.

"Well, uh, Spike can be very convincing… when-when-when uh… I'm very stupid."

Buffy shrugged empathetically.

"He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up." Willow looked to the ground. If that had been his goal, he had known just what buttons to press to reach it. The vampire was eerily perceptive at times, even about things he shouldn't be with no human heart. "That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night."

"Of course. Well, piffle. Let's move on." Giles said with a light air.

"I'm moving." Xander agreed.

"Me too." Buffy smiled at her, but Willow couldn't help but continue to fidget. It still felt unresolved.

"Good." Buffy was fidgeting as well. "Great." They all continued to look uncomfortable. Willow decided to be the one to break the silence.

"So why do you think Spike made with the head games?"

"He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's gotta get his yayas somehow." Xander theorized.

"I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam." Buffy said gravely.

"Spike's working for Adam?" Xander exclaimed as if in horror. "After all we've done- Nah. I can't even act surprised."

"I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone… but Spike just happened to be there. He made this big noise about getting information off those encrypted disks."

Willow held up her hand. She could finally be of some use.

"Oh, I decrypted 'em." Buffy's eyes opened wide. "Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it." She admitted, her pride still wounded.

"What did they say?" Giles asked.

"Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314… but it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where."

Buffy put together the pieces of a puzzle that Willow hadn't even realized they were looking at. Adam was going to stage an all out battle between the soldiers and the demons to gather raw materials for his army. He wanted Buffy there, and was completely secure in his superiority over her. They all agreed to bring supplies for the fight to Giles' and went their separate ways once more. The four would need every advantage they could get, especially with no Riley.

…

The witches picked out all the spell components they could think of and filled Willow's bag. Tara had offered to come and lend her own magical power to the mix, but Willow wouldn't hear of it. She'd expressed excitement at the adventurous lifestyle of the Scoobies before, and the younger girl wanted her to come along someday. But adept witch or not, Tara was still a civilian for now. Adam was too big a threat for a first time on the frontlines. She could feel Tara's eyes on her, worry and love for the redhead seeping out of her very spirit into hers.

"I think this is everything." Willow slung the bag over her shoulder and met her girlfriend's nervous gaze. Tara let out a heavy sigh and softly held her waist.

"I get that you have to go be a cool monster fighter now, just…" She pulled Willow in closer as the little Wicca returned the embrace. "Just be my alive monster fighter, okay?"

"I will." She promised with what she hoped was a brave smile. Tara smiled back and gave her a tight squeeze.

"I know you can be strong. Strong like an Amazon."

Willow liked that notion. It put images in her mind of proud warriors in Greek breastplates nocking arrows and facing beasts of myth. Of course, Buffy would be the Amazon. She was more of a sorceress like Circe or Medea. She felt slight anger at that thought. Why were sorceresses always the villains in those legends? Tara's soft lips on hers brought Willow out of her daydream and they kissed for a long time. She left to join her friends, the I love you's unspoken, but communicated.

…

They looked over their assembled supplies, offering up ideas that seemed to lead nowhere. Giles' idea of a paralyzing spell was the closest anyone came to a workable plan, but that would require her to get close to Adam and for her to speak in Sumerian. She rubbed her head, wracking her brain for a solution. Xander did his usual part and tried to lighten the room with a joke.

"So no problem. All we need is combo Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multilingual know-how and Willow's witchy power." _That would be a great idea, if it were at all possible._ Giles frowned at Xander severely. "Yeah, don't tell me. I'm just full of helpful suggestions."

"As a matter of fact you are." They all looked at Giles in surprise. He went to get a book from his shelves. "There's a spell that can combine the essences of other people with the Slayer." He held it open in front of his young charges. "It's been used by the Watcher's council only a few times in history, and only at the moment of greatest need."

"How does it work?" Buffy asked, not seeming able to glean much information from the spellbook's text.

"It calls upon the power of the first Slayer to join four souls together in one body. Each of the four becomes a different part of the new whole." He opened up a wooden box with what appeared to be tarot cards inside. They didn't have the standard arcana, but rather simple words and symbols in Latin. "Buffy, as the Slayer, would form the hands, or body of the combined form. I would form the mind to give it my knowledge of Sumerian. Willow would form the spirit to infuse it with her mystical energy. Xander would be the heart."

The boy quirked his eyebrow. "So we can give Adam hugs?"

"It is the most important role. It can't be entrusted to anyone we have less than complete faith in." Giles said seriously.

"No need to butter me up, I get it. You need another Planeteer to take care of the pet monkey." Xander joked, his insecurity showing.

"Xander, without the heart the enjoined being would be a ruthless machine. With no sense of morality my cold logic, Willow's power or Buffy's strength could get completely out of control and endanger the entire world. Even if the ritual worked perfectly there could be dire consequences. We need you to ground us."

He didn't say anything, looking overwhelmed at Giles' insistence of his importance. Willow was heartened by the idea of her oldest friend grounding her. If anyone could be trusted to stop her magick from going berserk it was him.

…

Buffy led them into Lowell house, no soldiers present to hinder their intrusion. She kicked open the elevator shaft and the girls rappelled down the shaft side by side in harnesses. The closer they got to the bottom the more nervous Willow grew. She had a big part to play in their anti-Adam plan, and despite Tara and Giles' assurances of her strength she wasn't sure she'd be able to pull it off. It would all be a moot point if she was skewered by a demon or shot by a commando before they completed the ritual.

"How you doing?" Buffy asked.

Willow bit back her fears. "Super. What was I thinking using stairs all this time?"

"Okay." She spoke up again after a minute. "Will…" Willow stopped her mid sentence, not sure if she could hide her worry if she had to carry on a conversation.

"No, really Buffy. It's not as scary as I thought."

"No. That's not what I was gonna say." She looked at Buffy, her mouth hanging open from exertion. Magickal strength didn't translate to bodily strength unfortunately and she was getting a bit winded. Buffy's superior fitness had caused her to get further than Willow down the shaft. The Slayer looked to the bottom nervously. "I'm just…" She met Willow's eyes again. "I'm sorry. I hate that things have been so strained between all of us."

"It's not your fault. Spike stirred up trouble." There really wasn't any reason for her to be mad if Spike had made the whole thing up. True, she still didn't know how Buffy felt about her and Tara, but they were best friends, and she deserved the benefit of the doubt.

"Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-upable. I think we've all sort of drifted apart this year, don't you?"

"Maybe a little. But you know, first year of college, it's hard to keep the old high school gang together."

"But I want it together. Will I miss you." Buffy's voice was shaking with emotion, the same emotion Willow felt herself. "And Giles and Xander. And it is my fault. I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff I've been a bad friend." She smiled, touched by the Slayer's concern. Buffy was always taking on so much by herself. If anyone had a good excuse for being unavailable to her friends it was the chosen one.

"You're the Slayer Buffy. Your stuff is pretty crucial."

"I mean Riley. And… Riley, mostly."

Willow recalled her earlier conversation with Tara. If Buffy had been wrapped up in Riley, she had been just as wrapped up in Tara. "Well, I haven't been Miss Available either." She squirmed at bit, pausing. What she had done with Tara might have even been worse, considering she had kept it hidden while Buffy and Riley had been totally upfront. "I-I kept secrets. I hid things from everyone."

"That's not your fault. Will you were going through something huge." Buffy said emphatically.

_Maybe she gets it. God I wish I hadn't waited so long. It could have made things easier between us._ "I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared."

"You can tell me anything." The blonde said with warm sincerity. "I love you. You're my best friend." She reached over to hug Willow with one arm. She struggled to make a response, her voice hampered by their awkward position.

"Me too. I love you too." With their grips slackened and their weights combined they started to descend rapidly down the shaft, one arm each around the other. "Falling now." They reached the bottom and embraced again.

"Let's promise to never not talk again."

"I promise, I promise." She agreed with a thrill. The girls both looked up to see Xander sliding down.

"Xander." They hugged him from either side.

"Oh, wonderful Xander." Buffy touched Willow with one of the arms she had around Xander. She could feel the distance that had grown between them the past year closing up, leaving them closer than they had ever been.

"You know we love you right?" Buffy said tenderly to their dear friend.

"We totally do." They snuggled their heads onto his shoulders.

Xander wasn't as thrilled. "Oh god. We're gonna die, aren't we?"

She looked at him, still savoring the overdue touch of her Xander-shaped friend. "No, we just missed you." She closed her eyes and basked in the comfort of the trio's reunion.

"Giles, hurry up. You definitely wanna get down here for this." He called up to the Watcher happily.

The men pried open the elevators doors, only to find the Initiative waiting for them, tasers at the ready. Willow and the others let themselves be taken captive, hoping they could be reasoned with. The Colonel wasn't very receptive to the idea. Buffy did her best to explain, but he was unconvinced Adam posed a threat to them until Willow mentioned the secret lab. Professor Walsh apparently hadn't learned the lesson Willow had about the dangers of hiding things until it was too late. A tech reported that the demons were being set loose, and the Colonel left to lead his soldiers into combat. Buffy took the opportunity and knocked out the remaining soldiers. Willow quickly went to the console and located the secret area behind 314.

Buffy took them through the fierce melee, dispatching any obstacles with hand and fist. Willow was unarmed and did her best to keep up. Buffy yelled something before she could process it.

"Willow down!"

Gunfire rang out and she felt a small body collide with hers, knocking her out of the way. Giles helped her up and she felt a rush of adrenaline that spurred her on the rest of the way. She couldn't die, not now. There was a spell to be cast. And there was Tara. Tara was waiting for her.

They barricaded themselves in a medical examination room. She and Buffy found the hidden door to Adam's lair and the Slayer confirmed that the room was suitable for the ritual. Xander stopped her before she left them.

"Buffy, I still don't like you going in alone." Buffy looked down the metal corridor and then back to Xander.

"I won't be." Willow smiled at her. Even when they were apart, she was with her. Willow closed the door behind Buffy and hurried to barricade it with the shelf. The men jammed one of the rolling tables against the entrance and shoved the rest out of the way to clear the floor. Giles brought out the candles, cards and gourd and placed them in a square. They formed the circle, Giles to her left, Xander to her right. She opened the tome and they lit the candles as she began.

"The power of the Slayer and all who wield it. Last to ancient, first, we invoke thee. Grant us thy domain and primal strength. Accept us and the powers we possess. Make us mind and heart and spirit joined. Let the hand encompass us. Do thy will."

Willow took her card from the deck and placed it before her.

"Spiritus… spirit." She handed the next card to Xander.

"Animus… heart."

"Sophus… mind."

Willow picked up the final card, Buffy's.

"And manus… the hand." The four aspects were accounted for. "We enjoin that we may inhabit the vessel- The hand, Daughter of Sineya, first of the ones." The gourd began to glow. "We implore thee, admit us. Bring us to the vessel. Take us now."

Her head snapped back as her spirit left her body suddenly. This had none of the slow, orgasmic rush of the nether realms spell. This was a violent, martial thing. It was primal and savage. But it had one thing in common with the other spell, and that was the connection. It wasn't sexual; it was a deep bond between the four of them as a team, a unit. Or, as Tara had put it to her last night, a family. She could feel Giles' brilliant mind, honed by years of research into a near deadly weapon, full of dark and terrible secrets he sheltered them from. She could feel Xander's loyal heart, so devoted to each of them and so eager to be good enough to help such powerful people. And Buffy. She could see through the Slayer's eyes, hear through her ears. Buffy's body had in it an ancient warrior legacy, and they were calling it down, making it their own. It was the greatest force she had ever touched, and it was inside of them, under their command. It was incredible.

Adam fired a small rocket at them from his gun arm. It exploded, and they rose, unharmed.

"You can't last much longer." Adam. Man, machine, and demon. All were beneath them now. There was no fear. Only purpose.

"We can. We are forever."

He lowered his gun, looking confused. They began chanting the paralyzing spell.

"Interesting." He fired more bullets at them as the chant continued. They all stopped short, hitting the invisible barrier of their magick. "Very… interesting."

Adam gave up on bullets and tried another rocket. It transformed into three gray doves, which flew away as Adam gazed at them in bewilderment. He raised his gun again and they motioned with their right hand, making it retract and leaving Adam with his normal arm. They walked toward each other. He took a swing but they dodged effortlessly and beat him back, grabbing his neck.

"How… can you…"

"You could never hope to grasp the source of our power." They flipped him against one of the consoles. He tried to get up but they tossed him and kicked him in rapid succession. With Adam stunned they drove their hand into his chest cavity through the sutures. He tried to pull their arm out, but they were too strong and extracted his core. "But yours it right here."

Rid of his source of power, the demonoid collapsed.

"Buffy." Some human's voice called to them. It was irrelevant. They gazed at the uranium core, levitating it. They chanted their will and it sank into itself, vanishing from reality. They could feel the human stroking their chin, and the connection was broken.

Willow reeled as she snapped back to her own body. Her entire being was still buzzing from the enormity of the power they had accessed.

"Wow, that was…" A hairy beast burst into the room, followed by Spike. He lunged forth and snapped its neck.

"Nasty sort of fellow?" Spike asked, bent over from exertion. "Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"

"Yes. Thank you." Giles said, causing the vampire to smile. "Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all." Spike stood up straight.

"You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here." Xander said, having regained his breath.

"Well yeah. Did it work?" The three all looked at each other, considering. They came to a silent agreement to deal with the Spike problem another day and got to their feet. Willow was more or less okay with letting him be. He was a mischief maker, but without a bite she couldn't bring herself to be truly scared of him. "Well, then everything's all right… and we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team."

Buffy returned from the secret lab, followed by Riley. He had a bloody stain on his chest and was drenched in sweat.

"Buffy." Giles greeted her. Willow rushed over to hug her friend, Buffy beaming at them.

"Wasn't it amazing?"

"You were great." Said Xander.

"We were great." Buffy said warmly.

"We still got men out there." Riley said pointedly, ever the soldier.

"Then let's go save 'em, by gum." Spike said in a silly voice. All eyes turned to him, and Willow couldn't help but feel a little bad for him. If he couldn't be a proper vampire, what place did he have in the world?

"You guys get to the exits, get 'em open." Buffy directed them. "You, organize the soldiers, pull 'em back. I'll take point." She told Riley and made her way to the door. Willow was still concerned, unsure of how the after effects of the enjoining spell might be lingering in the Slayer.

"Are you up to this?"

"I am." She punched the first demon to come through the door.

…

They all made it out intact, and congratulated each other before splitting ways. Riley and the surviving commandos went to patch up their wounds and work out a report for the Pentagon, leaving Buffy free to come with Willow to their seldom used room. She made a call to check in with Tara, brave enough to use pet names in front of her roommate now. When she hung up Buffy was looking at her with a kind of wistful affection.

"You really love her, don't you?"

Willow could feel her entire body flush with heat and hoped she wasn't turning too red.

"I do." She said simply, thinking she might not be able to stop talking if she used any more words than that.

"I'm sorry about before," Buffy started, digging her heel into the carpet, "When you first told me. I know I had kind of a wiggins."

"It's okay." Willow was willing to put that behind them if it really didn't bother her. Buffy on the other hand, seemed to want to talk about it some more. She and the Slayer sat down on the edge of their beds and faced each other. Now that the end of the world was averted there was nothing stopping them from hashing everything out.

"I wasn't grossed out or anything. I was just… surprised."

"I can't blame you. I was doing my best to keep it under wraps."

"I get why." Buffy paused, looking unsure of herself. "Can I just ask, when did you know?"

"Um," Willow stalled. She'd never told anyone the 'how we met' story, and didn't know how quite to begin. "Well, you know how we met in the Wicca group? When the Gentlemen were in town she came to find me, since I was the only one who actually seemed interested in real magic. We ended up in the laundry room together, and we had to move the soda machine with our minds to block the door. It was… incredible."

She checked that Buffy was still paying attention, a bit embarrassed to be sharing something that she had kept private for so long. Her friend was still attentive, so Willow continued, a trickle of joy welling up in her as she expressed her heretofore hidden feelings.

"I'd never felt anything like it. We had this connection that just clicked instantly, and suddenly it was like there nothing too big for us to handle together. I could feel her spirit, the flow of her energy? It was like… like a sanctuary, like something that could take all my wild and crazy Willow energy and keep it stable, rooted."

Buffy nodded, though Willow was sure her words were failing to properly convey what a spiritual experience between magic practioners was like. Buffy had had her own taste of it today, but that had been a different animal all together.

"That was when I fell for her, but it took me forever to realize that that was what I was feeling."

She fiddled with her hands, waiting to see if Buffy would ask for more details. Willow wasn't sure she was ready to discuss the nether-realms spell and how that had opened her eyes, but if Buffy was cool with it she might be able to. Her friend was smiling at her nervously, mouth half open with an unspoken sentence behind it. She finally pushed it out.

"Wow. That's um… actually really romantic. But I more meant… when did you know you liked girls, that way? I mean, have you always known?"

"Oh." That was more complicated. In truth, she had wondered about her orientation before she ever met Tara, but the catalyst for that wondering had been… unusual. "Not always. I mean, you and Amy were the only girls who ever treated me like anything but a loser, you know?" Buffy nodded sympathetically. "Kind of hard to like anyone like that. But then when vamp-me showed up with all the inappropriate touching and licking and tight corsetness… I started to question myself."

"But Angel said…"

"Angel was being polite." Willow interrupted, stopping her protest. "I talked to him after, about how people change when they become vampires? Well, you know the whole demon inhabits the corpse thing." Buffy rolled her eyes. Of course she knew. "The strength of the demon determines whether they end up a horrifying, world ending monster like the Master, or an annoying near-human with pointy teeth like Harmony. How the demon experiences things like art, sexuality, or ceramic unicorns is filtered through the lens of the memories and personality of the human that left behind the body."

"Giles would expect me to know that. It's probably in that big book he gave me to read the first day we met." The Slayer sighed. "So, gay vampire comes from… a gay Willow?" She asked the question hesitantly, her fear of offending Willow obvious. The redhead was uncertain of how to say what she had determined herself to be after having been with both Oz and Tara. There had to be something more precise than 'kinda gay', and it was beyond simple bisexuality, no offense to Oz.

"I'd say after recent… data collection, I'm a Kinsey five?" She hoped Buffy had been alert enough in Psychology to remember the Kinsey scale, imperfect as it was.

"So, you've known for a while that you were…" There was something bugging her, but Willow couldn't tell what. She decided to charge in with a bold question. It could definitely have been the cause of the wiggins.

"Buffy, were you freaked that I might have been attracted to you?"

The blonde's hazel eyes shot wide open as she fumbled her response. "No! No no!" Willow just kept her gaze on her, unrelenting. "Okay, that's a lie. I wondered for like, a second." Buffy relaxed a little as Willow laughed. "Besides, it wouldn't matter anyway. I mean, you liked Xander, and he liked me, and we managed. And even straight people have… thoughts, sometimes." That last part was a tad surprising. She didn't seem to be referring to Willow though. _That can be a conversation for another day._

"Don't worry Buffy. I mean, you're great but I've never thought about you that way." _Just Tara._

That seemed enough to calm her down. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Buffy looked at her thoughtfully. "I'm glad we talked."

"Me too."

"I think… you should go see Tara. She's probably still worried."

It was tempting, but this was the first chance she'd had to rekindle her friendship with Buffy in weeks. "Are you sure? I can stay if you want."

Buffy shook her head. "We'll catch up later. Promise, tomorrow night we'll have a big sleep over and video fest at my place. You me, Giles and Xander. Tonight you go be with your girl."

She couldn't help but smile.

…

Buffy's proddings were proven valid when she showed up at Tara's room. Her girlfriend had been pacing and reading the same page in her textbook for hours. Willow eagerly relayed the day's events to her, including her reconciliation with her friends, and her awe at the power of the enjoining spell. Tara could feel some of its residual effects still lingering in Willow's aura.

"Did it wear you out? Casting something that powerful, it can take a lot out of you." She said with concern. Willow grinned and shook her head happily.

"Nope. In fact I'm feeling very awake. Very, very awake." Tara met her smile with that pleasantly lopsided one of her own.

…

Willow found a way to share a small taste of the spell's effects with Tara, and it was a confirmation of how different her bond with Tara was from the one she shared with the Slaying gang. Both were potent, but the shape, the texture, those were completely different. Only one person made her feel this alive. Tara fell into a contented sleep after several rounds of enchanted love making, but Willow was still restless. The energy from the first Slayer had yet to dissipate, so she decided to lay there and watch her lover sleep for the rest of the night. After a while Tara rolled over, and Willow was disappointed to lose sight of that sweet face. The witch's back was lovely too though, so she wasn't that upset.

…

Author's Notes: Only one more chapter to go, "Costumes", and I hope I can make it a good one. I've had dialog ready for it in my head for a while now, so it shouldn't take me too long. Thanks for reading along this far!

Wallflowerbitca : I wish I could take full credit for that line, but it's a paraphrase of a line written by Amber Benson (who in addition to being an awesome actor is also a cool author). It's from the comic "Wannablessedbe" which seems to be set between "New Moon Rising" and "The Yoko Factor". Willow and Tara are helping out another former member of the Wicca group named Caitlin who has a crush on them, or on their relationship (and who could blame her?). Willow comes in to Tara's room to find Caitlin holding Tara's hand and Tara reassures her thusly:

"We were just t-talking about magic. I was about to tell Caitlin about being c-careful with magic. That there's a special power in the magic we work together that's just for us… you and me. Willow? Look at me. Would I ever do anything to hurt you? You're my best friend and I love you. I could never work spells with anyone else. There wouldn't be any magic in it."

"I know. I was just a little, okay, whoa, y'know? But I _do_know. That was beautiful, what you said? And you didn't stutter once."

"My heart doesn't stutter."


	5. Costumes

It was a short bus ride from UC Sunnydale to Xander's neighborhood. He'd offered to pick up Willow in his car, but she'd requested that they meet up at his house and finish their errands on foot. Walking to the video store and then to Buffy's would give them a chance to talk one on one. That was long overdue. Xander had assured her that tonight would be just the four of them, no girlfriends or boyfriends. A lack of Anya would normally make her jump for joy, but after their fight two nights ago she felt guilty for wanting to separate Xander from someone who made him happy.

They left the basement smiling a bit too widely, neither making the first breach into conversation. Willow wasn't even sure what to talk about first; the fight, the spell, how sorry she was for letting them drift apart since graduation. When had it become so hard to speak to him? _Just say anything. It's Xander._

"Xan…"

"Wil…"

They both laughed. Their smiles became more relaxed and they met each other's eyes for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Let's rewind."

"Rewinding." She took a deep breath and blurted the first thing that came to mind. "I'm sorry." Xander opened his mouth to answer but she didn't stop. "For so many things. This whole year I've been so wrapped up in college and my own stuff I've barely been there for you. I kept leaning on you whenever I got the weepies and then totally dismissed your stress about all the crappola you've had to shovel." That put a weird image in her head. "Oh god, have you had to do that literally? Shoveled crap? I know you've had some crappy jobs this year…"

He shook his head and put a hand on Willow's shoulder, stopping them in the middle of the sidewalk. "No, no literal crap. I remain crapless." He sighed and hung his head. "I know I've been all broody about the basement and the grunt work, but it's not your fault. I'm just… you know. Not cut out for college or a fancy career. I have to deal with it."

"Xander, you are too cut out for it. I'm sure if you…"

"You don't need to lie to me Will. You remember my SATs, the ones that barely equaled what I score on my bathroom scale? I'm not like you and Buffy, and that's… that's fine."

Willow thought back to the enjoining spell, and what she'd felt from Xander's heart. "Is it?" That was his greatest fear after all, and one she shared. Not being good enough. They sat down on the bottom edge of a raised fence, getting out of the path of passersby.

"No. It's hard. But we can't all be college types. Someone has to flip the burgers."

"You'll find something Xander. And I don't just mean the college thing. It's the not having special powers thing too, right?" He stared at the ground before looking back to her with a sad smile.

"Heat vision would be nice." Xander joked. "But it's not that I want powers so much as… I feel like I'm not useful. You, Buffy and Tara are like super heroes and I'm Jimmy Olsen. I can't stand just sitting around waiting to call you with my signal watch when things get bad."

Willow was surprised to hear him mention Tara, but pleased. She got what he was saying, but it was so far from the truth.

"You don't. You've always been right there with us, y'know? And I only just started to be able to do my Wicca wooj with any success recently. I know how it feels to be the sidekick." She took Xander's hand. "What Giles said yesterday, it's true. I can always count you, because you're Xander."

This time his smile reached his eyes. "You've been through a lot of changes this year, but I can always get you, because you're Willow." She laughed a bit nervously.

"Changes, yeah." She scratched the back of her neck with her free hand. _One big change in particular. _"I guess the whole thing with me and Tara was a bit of a shock. I should have told you first, but I was scared, you know. That you'd be squicked by the idea of me with another woman…"

"No!" Xander protested a bit too emphatically. "That's hot." Willow's eyelids couldn't open any wider.

"Uh…"

"I mean, two women is… I mean, not just any women, hot women who… not that I think you're hot, I mean… not that I think you're _not _hot…" By this point he was waving his arms desperately as if it would somehow take back the words that had already spilled out of his mouth. Willow did her best to keep from laughing. _He's attracted to me? _She couldn't help but feel some illicit pride in that. "Shutting up now."

"I think you're cute too Xander. I always did."

He calmed down, still somewhat flushed with embarrassment. "I know." Willow could see regret in his gaze. "I've known you your whole life practically. But I never saw you checking out girls. You barely even checked out other guys."

She thought about that. She'd spent so many years waiting for him to see her the way she saw him. By the time he did, they had both found other people and it was too late for them to be together. Now that she considered what could have happened, she was grateful that they had never been a couple. Willow would have never known the true nature of her heart, and poor Xander would have had a girlfriend secretly wishing for her own girlfriend. If she was gay, why had she thought she was in love with a guy for so many years?

Love. She did love Xander. Always had, always would. And the world said if you loved a boy, and thought he was cute, you were in love with him. That was how it was supposed to be. At least that was what had made sense at the time. Now she could see that love didn't need to involve sex and romance to be real.

"I love you Xander. Like a…" She stopped herself when she saw the look on Xander's face. No one wanted to hear the 'like a brother' line. She knew it all too well, having heard the 'like a sister to me' version. "… Xander."

"I always knew. I should have done something sooner. Then you could have found someone who appreciated you the way deserve."

"I did."

He glowered slightly. "I don't know. I mean, I was hoping you and Oz could work things out when he came back all Zen-like. But I never forgave him for what he did to you."

"Actually, I meant Tara. But Oz… he appreciated me." Willow sighed, thinking about Oz. He had been everyone's friend, and they had all lost him because of the trouble between him and her. "I'm sorry that things ended the way they did." She wasn't sorry that she had chosen Tara over Oz. But part of her still wished they'd found a way to keep him with them and help him control the wolf. It wasn't something they were capable of giving him though. "I made you lose him. I know you miss having more guys around. Well, non-vampire guys."

"Hey, that's not on you." Xander reassured her. "I do miss him, but he left because it wasn't safe for him or anyone else for him to be here. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And besides," he said with a smirk, "I'm not going to complain about being surrounded by so many lovely ladies." She raised an eyebrow. "Some of whom also like ladies, which is cool too."

She knew as they were sitting and talking time was passing, but coming clean with Xander was important. That was the whole point of tonight: becoming close again. There was more guilt beneath the Oz layer. "It's not just Oz. You lost Cordelia because of me too." He shook his head bitterly.

"No, _I_ lost Cordelia. From the start I never treated her right. I always put you and Buffy ahead of her, and she knew it. I don't think she was surprised when she found us. Then there was the injury added to insult, and that was it." His tear ducts were moistening, but no tears fell. "I don't want to be that guy any more. This time I'm not going to screw it up."

_This time? _"You mean… with Anya? It's serious?"

"Yeah. She's in love with me."

Willow's jaw dropped. "Really?"

"She told me yesterday morning. I was lying in bed, moping about feeling useless and yadda yadda. She told me not to worry about what anyone else thought of me. Well, I didn't manage that, but knowing that she cared? That was enough to get me on my feet."

_Like Tara did for me. _For the first time she actually felt something positive for the ex-demon. Anyone who could be there for Xander couldn't be all evil. Willow had plenty of reasons to dislike Anya and some, maybe even most of them were probably valid from an objective viewpoint. But there was one ugly reason for her distaste that Willow would have felt regardless of the woman: her possessive need to be the most important girl in Xander's world. She had to let it go.

"I'm happy for you." He smiled and reached over to place his hand on her knee.

"I'm happy for you too."

They continued on to the video store, the smoky air of the past year finally cleared.

…

Later the four friends settled down in front of the Summers' television to begin the vidfest. Willow's eyes slid shut before the tape got past the FBI warning screen.

…

She was in her sanctuary, carefully doing her Incantation 102 homework. Tara watched their kitten play as Willow dipped her calligraphy brush into the ink. The assignment was in Greek and she still had several lines to finish.

"I think it's strange. I mean, I think I should worry… that we haven't found her name." Tara said softly. She was lying still very patiently while Willow painted the words of the spell on the canvas of her pale skin.

"Who, Miss Kitty?"

The cat was playing with a ball of yarn on the floor. Her furry body was curling and twisting cutely, almost seeming to slow down time.

"You'd think she'd let us know her name by now."

"She will. She's not all grown yet."

Their cat was still very young and new, she didn't to need be defined yet. All Willow needed to know was that the kitten made them both happy. She intended to keep her for as long as she could. She made delicate brushstrokes to form the next character of the spell, gently dragging the bristles over the smooth silk of Tara's flesh. Willow's energy flowed through her hand to the wood, the bristle hairs, the ink and finally into her lover, where it was received and amplified. A soft current formed between them as the redhead worked, savoring the sensations the task so elegantly created.

"You're not worried?" Tara asked kindly. Willow couldn't help but smile. How could she ever worry in this room? Her spirit was at peace here, surrounded by magic and love. Nothing bad could happen to her as long as she was here, close enough to fall into her Tara's arms.

"I never worry here. I'm safe here."

"You don't know everything about me." The blonde said with a hint of warning. It was true, there were always little things the witch kept to herself, but Willow didn't mind. She knew that Tara had a sweet, compassionate heart, and she would never hurt her. If she was hiding anything, Willow could trust it was nothing worth fretting about.

"Have you told me your real name?" She asked half teasing.

"Oh, you know that." Tara answered with a smile. Willow was glad to see the smile, but it soon faded. "They will find out you know… about you."

She shut down thoughts of that. She wouldn't be revealed, not if she stayed in her sanctuary. "I don't have time to think about that. You know I have all this homework to finish."

"Are you gonna finish in time for class?"

"I can be late."

"But you've never taken drama before. You might miss something important."

"I don't want to leave here."

Tara lifted her head enough to turn and look at Willow. "Why not?" She didn't answer. She was afraid to leave for class. There were other people out there, with eyes and mouths. Looks that judged and words that cut. The sunlight squeezing around the edges of the curtains was becoming hotter, almost scorching. She got up to look outside.

"It's so bright out…"

Willow pushed back the heated fabric and light poured over the room. It illuminated the letters on Tara's body, making a stark contrast between the moist black paint and the almost glowing near-white of the Wiccan's skin. Outside the land was a vast savanna, bathed under a blazing sun. Willow's nerves rattled. She could feel a presence, something dangerous.

"… and there's something out there."

A dark shape moved across the dunes in the distance. The cat stalked towards the window, ready to pounce on the threat.

She made her way to her locker, passing Oz and Xander in the hallway. They asked her about class and Tara but she was in a hurry and paid them little attention. The bell rang and she left them behind. When she arrived backstage the whole class was in costume. Harmony greeted her and threw her arms around Willow excitedly. Why was everyone in costumes already? Buffy rushed over to her and declared that the theater was packed.

"Your whole family's in the front row and they look really angry."

She questioned them about the abruptness of the production but cowboy Riley simply told her she was late. Buffy accused her of already being in character. What character? And when had they had time for rehearsal? A pang of dread shot through her. What if it was opera? Giles, the director came to the center of the throng of students.

"Everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us. That means we have to be perfect."

The dread became horror. Perfect? Willow had struggled every day in the pursuit of perfection, but she had never attained it. Her family expected it of her, and now she would be left exposed to them under the stage lights. Something caught her eye, a figure creeping behind the curtains. It shook its hair, and the air seemed to rattle with waves of pressure.

"Did anyone see that?" She asked, but was ignored. Giles continued his pep talk.

"Acting is not about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide."

When he was done speaking everyone's the voices went silent. Willow wandered off, confused and unsure of how she could hide from the flesh-eating audience when she had to walk on stage and leave herself to be wounded by their critical gazes. A bald man in a suit pointed out some of his handiwork to her. He had arranged some cheese on one of the prop tables.

"I've made a little space for the cheese slices."

She walked on past him, into a winding tunnel of curtain. She found Tara waiting for her a long way in.

"Things aren't going very well." The blonde told her.

"No." Willow said, vainly trying to keep her voice down to hide from her hunter and the audience. "This drama class is just- I think they're really not doing things in the proper way and now I'm in a play and my whole family's out there- and why is there a cowboy in _Death of a Salesman, _anyway?"

Tara shook her head, narrowing her eyes as she realized how little Willow knew. "You don't understand yet, do you?"

There was one thing she understood. She could feel that beast from the savanna tracking her, smelling her fear of exposure and shame.

"Is there something following me?" She whispered, glancing quickly behind her.

"Yes." Tara answered, her face almost sorrowful.

"Well, what should I do?" Willow asked desperately. Surely her partner could give her guidance. Tara was always the one to set her back on her proper path. "The play's gonna start soon and I don't even know my lines."

"The play's already started. That's not the point." She could hear the others performing in the distance. Would she have to go on soon? "Everyone's starting to wonder about you… the real you. If they find out… they'll punish you. I can't help you with that."

"What should I-" Willow stopped herself from asking the question again, having just been told she'd get no help. "What's after me? Is it something I was supposed to do? Was I supposed to-"

"Shh." Tara silenced her, listening to their surroundings. Buzzy voices began to chatter, softly and then louder. Willow turned her head to find the source and when she looked back her lover had vanished, leaving her alone at the mercy of her pursuer.

"Tara?" She whispered anxiously. How could she abandon her like this? "Tara, okay, this really isn't-" A blood stained stone knife stabbed through the curtain inches in front of her face. Willow ran in terror, the walls of red closing in on her as tried to flee the daggers and grasping claws. A hand grabbed for hers and pulled her up. It was Buffy, back in her street clothes. Her friend led her away from backstage and into a deserted classroom. The Slayer asked her to stay low and pressed her for information on the creature. She couldn't conjure up a proper description.

"I-I don't know why it's after me." She said with a quaver.

"Well, you must have done something." Buffy accused.

"No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty." There had been a few spells and harsh words thrown around in her past, but she had atoned for those things. Hadn't she? "I just came to class, and the play was starting." She said defensively.

"The play is long over." Buffy said angrily, looking at Willow's clothes. "Why are you still in costume?" Again with the costumes.

"Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit."

"Willow, everybody already knows. Take it off."

A fear far greater than that of the beast gripped her. She couldn't be revealed. Her disguise, wasn't it flawless? She had worked so hard, so hard to hide what she really was. "No." Willow protested looking around nervously for more sets of judgmental eyes beyond the hazel ones currently laying her bare. "I need it."

"Oh for God's sake, just take it off." Buffy said as she ripped the façade of the cool college redhead from the terrified girl. "That's better. It's much more realistic."

The Slayer took her seat among the other students, all looking at her unmasked.

"I tried to warn you." Oz said to Tara. It was hell. The one person who had never seen her true form could now see how pathetic Willow Rosenberg was. The nerd, the nothing stood before them and began to read her book report. Xander dismissed her while Oz whispered more secrets into Tara's ear. The beast lunged at her, knocking her to the floor. She screamed for help, but not even the Slayer paid her any mind. The monster tore into her throat with its filthy teeth, ripping her skin and arteries open. Willow's breath, her spirit flowed out of her like it was the blood oozing from the bodily wound. Her flesh became sand as the magic left her to drift free in the universe…

…

She woke before the last air in her lungs left her. Buffy, Xander and Giles were all stirring around her.

"Did you guys… see her too?" Buffy asked, looking them all over.

…

They shared their encounters with the beast, who Buffy explained was the spirit of the First Slayer. The enjoining spell had offended her somehow, and Buffy had only beaten her by refusing to fight and submit to her way of thinking. Willow pondered that after Buffy left for bed and Xander went to help Joyce in the kitchen. Some of the things the First Slayer had told Buffy were nagging at her, and she had an idea of what could have given the warrior such offense.

"The First, she said was absolute, alone." She said to Giles, deciding to bounce her idea off him. "That the Slayer has to be without friends."

"So joining with other people was an affront to the Slayer's way of being."

"Did any of the Watcher's diaries say what happened the other times the enjoining spell was used?"

"Just that a great power was unleashed, and required great willpower to control. Nothing about attacks in dreams." He performed his signature gesture with his glasses and handkerchief. "I supposed that she was upset because she never had a Watcher. No one to connect with."

Then her notion had some merit. "Well, it was always Watchers joining with the Slayer before. But Watchers don't connect with Slayers exactly." Giles glowered at her and she quickly tried to explain her rationale. "Watchers, well, they just guide the Slayer, kinda, control her. This time there was no Watcher. Just friends." Rupert's face softened as he took in Willow's meaning. "That was what the First never had."

…

The dreams stuck in the front of her thoughts all through the next day. Willow went into town to buy a few supplies before gathering up her spellbooks to see Tara. She had an idea and hoped they could find a spell that would let her use it.

The witches sat surrounded by a several stacks of open tomes as she recounted last night's nightmares to Tara. Willow thought back to what Buffy had described of her meeting with the First Slayer. She had said she was borrowing Tara's form, but now Willow wasn't sure. A bit of the enjoining spell's energy had been passed to Tara and the poor girl could have been attacked as well. She mentally kicked herself for not thinking of it sooner.

"How did you sleep last night?"

"Not as good as I do with you here." Tara admitted shyly. Willow could feel that same huge grin Tara brought out of her so effortlessly break across her face. "I did have a dream. But it was a-a good dream, I think."

"No one hunting you down Freddy Krueger style?" She asked. Tara shook her head.

"It was late summer, and we went to the beach with your friends to watch the sun rise. But when it came, it wasn't the sun; it was this bright ball of glowing green energy. Buffy reached up and took it out of the sky, and then she gave it to you and me. After we took it she jumped into the ocean and I woke up." She paused for a moment, brow furrowed. "And there was this guy on the beach, an old man I didn't recognize. He had these cheese slices on sticks he was using as flags for a sand castle."

Willow's mouth hung open for a few seconds. "Huh. I did get kind of a weird, 'to be continued' vibe when Buffy mentioned the cheese man. Maybe your dream did have something to do with ours."

Tara looked thoughtful. "Maybe."

Willow was just glad that the Slayer hadn't come after her. She flipped through the book currently on her lap until she came to a familiar spell. She let out a sigh she didn't realize was audible until Tara peered over at the page curiously.

"A spell to have your will done?" Willow pursed her lips. This was a story she'd never told Tara, but there was no reason to keep it a secret. Tara knew better than anyone how badly she felt when her magick went wrong, and she wouldn't judge.

"Remember how I told you about my spells going awry, and friends being in danger? Well this was the capital A wry." Tara was listening patiently, so she continued. "I was having a really terrible night. Oz had just sent for the last of his things, so I tried to drown my sorrows in pop music and light beer. That didn't work so I got the wacky notion of making my will manifest. You can guess what kind of disasters that led to."

The older witch's eyes were still sympathetic. "I could guess, but I'll listen if you want describe them. I… know what grief and anger can do to a casting." Willow could only wonder what it would take to make Tara angry. In the months they'd known each other she'd never even heard her raise her voice.

"Well, at first I didn't think it worked at all. I couldn't even make a paperclip unbendy. But somehow little things I said offhand started becoming literal. Giles ended up not able to see, Xander became a demon magnet, and Buffy was planning a wedding to Spike." Tara's eyebrows shot up at that last effect.

"Buffy and Spike?"

"I know. That one must have taken a whole mess of mojo to pull off. Can you imagine?"

"I, uh, think I'd rather not." They shared a little laugh at the craziness of the idea. "So how did you end it?"

Here was the source of one of her biggest shames. She'd tried to claim in her dream that she was very seldom naughty, but the day in question had shown her how bad things could get when she did have one of her fits of naughtiness. She knew Tara was a better person than her, but she also knew that being with her, just knowing her was making her a better Willow.

"Anya's ex-boss saw all the pain I was causing my friends and offered me her old job. I turned it down and then got everything back to normalish." She sighed again. "I guess I shouldn't be so hard on Anya. There but for the grace of D'Hoffryn goes me. I mean, supposing a Watcher turned me back into a human and I had to go around trying to reacquaint myself with bizarre human concepts like manners and sane reactions to fluffy bunnies." She paused and returned the smirk that her babble had put on Tara's face. "I'm glad Xander has her. If someone really loves you, can make you happy, it doesn't really matter if they're a vampire, a werewolf, or even a demon, ya know?"

A kind of quiet fell between them. Tara looked deep into her eyes, as if contemplating something. "Willow…?"

"Yeah?" The seriousness of her girlfriend's expression was starting to unnerve her. "Something wrong?"

Tara moved her jaw as if about to speak, but swallowed back the words before they could come out. She took a deep breath and smiled softly. "I'm just… really happy you found me."

Willow scooted over and nudged the book in Tara's lap out of the way to take its place. "I'm glad you found me too." She kissed her way from the blonde's elegant cheekbones to her full lips, letting the kiss linger and deepen as they brought their arms around each other. She pulled back only a few inches and twirled a lock of Tara's hair around her finger. "You know, the first thing I asked for with the 'will be done' spell? For my heart to be healed. Then a few days later I ended up in a laundry room with a beautiful woman, and it was."

Tara slid her hand into red hair and pulled her closer. "Mine too. Before I met you I never would have been brave enough to go a club, or fight a monster. I couldn't even speak up in class. Being with you… it makes me feel stronger. Special."

"You ever feel like you're under a spell?" She nearly whispered into the soft lips a hairsbreadth from hers.

"You don't need a spell." Tara said lowly as she shook her head. Willow couldn't help but giggle as Tara's hair tickled her skin. She shifted her hips to better be able to curl her legs around Tara's but her left leg bumped into one of the book stacks. Willow rolled her eyes and pulled back to read the book that had been knocked open. She grinned as she placed it on her knee and showed it to Tara.

"How about this one?"

It wasn't the spell itself that was important. It was a basic ward that could protect the user's body from heat and flame. Vampires would love to get their hands on it if it were stronger. What Willow liked about it was that it was a spell she could cast using the supplies she'd purchased especially for tonight.

"It says the words of the spell have to be written on the caster." Tara said as she read it. "It's pretty long." Willow grin became pure mischief as she got up to get the calligraphy brush and paint. She could tell Tara had her plan figured out and the girl seemed as surprised as she was excited. Frankly Willow was surprised herself. A year, or even a few months ago she would never have been this bold. Tara Maclay just brought it out her. There was no one else she'd be comfortable enough with to even suggest such a thing to. "You're r-really gonna use that? On me?"

"I don't see anyone else here." She said looking around for other hypothetical spellcasters. "I'm going to need to get at the parchment though." She said with a coy look at Tara's blouse.

"Oh no." The older girl objected, puzzling Willow. "If you get to write on me, I get to write on you." Her lopsided smile was positively naughty. Willow guessed she wasn't the only one who had gotten less shy.

Willow was glad her costume in this world couldn't come off with her clothes. Tara had never even known that girl, the loser within. If Willow was lucky, she never would. The Wiccans prepared the spell skyclad, clearing the floor of books and unnecessary components. Tara didn't keep as still as she had during Willow's dream, being somewhat ticklish, but the letters of the incantation didn't smear. Willow's slender back was covered in Tara's fine brushwork, her painting experience making it an easy and evidently pleasant task for her. They clasped hands, an unrequired step but one that they liked to incorporate as often as possible. As they chanted the letters melted into their skin, warming them like the heat of the sun. A smooth layer of warmth spread out from their backs, coating them like an invisible second skin. The two witches basked for a moment before Tara went to her cabinet. She came back with a match and something that made Willow's heart skip when she recognized it.

"You kept it?" She asked in awe as Tara lit the candle.

"We didn't use it for long last time.' She replied, eyes dark and glimmering from both the flame and the fairy lights. Willow placed one hand over Tara's around the base of the candle and slowly passed her other through the fire. It was untouched, and she held it in the flame until Tara brought hers to cover it. They shared a long glance before one of them, she wasn't sure which, curled their fingers and snuffed the candle.

…

They were both still hiding a part of themselves from each other that night; but when they connected they could feel the true Willow and Tara beneath the surface. And they accepted those true forms unconditionally, though neither of them would have believed it. It would be several months before Willow learned the last thing Tara was keeping from her, and in the end that revelation would do what she thought impossible and make her love Tara more. Her own fear, that Tara could never have loved her without the magic, wouldn't be proven false for two years. Then Willow would finally know that the magic that drew Tara to her had nothing to do with charms or cantrips. It was just the 'plain old Willow' that she'd always been.

…

Author's Notes: I hope you've enjoyed my first Buffy story. I've finally come up with my next W/T story idea. It's going to be an AU Season Two. I've seen a few stories that put Tara into Sunnydale High but not many that actually finished. The one thing I haven't decided is whether to put in Dawn as she would have been in everyone's fake memories. I've always liked the mother/daughter dynamic between Tara and Dawn. There are a bunch of other things I'm going to play around with, so it should be fun.

Thanks for reading, and as always reviews and suggestions are much appreciated.


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